The Rainbow-虹(英文版)-第87部分

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knew　that　only　the　cipher　of　him　was　there；　nothing　was　filled
in。　He　went　to　the　theatre；　what　he　heard　and　saw　fell　upon　a
cold　surface　of　consciousness；　which　was　now　all　that　he　was；
there　was　nothing　behind　it；　he　could　have　no　experience　of　any
sort。　Mechanical　registering　took　place　in　him；　no　more。　He　had
no　being；　no　contents。　Neither　had　the　people　he　came　into
contact　with。　They　were　mere　permutations　of　known　quantities。
There　was　no　roundness　or　fullness　in　this　world　he　now
inhabited；　everything　was　a　dead　shape　mental　arrangement；
without　life　or　being。

Much　of　the　time；　he　was　with　friends　and　rades。　Then　he
forgot　everything。　Their　activities　made　up　for　his　own
negation；　they　engaged　his　negative　horror。

He　only　became　happy　when　he　drank；　and　he　drank　a　good　deal。
Then　he　was　just　the　opposite　to　what　he　had　been。　He　became　a
warm；　diffuse；　glowing　cloud；　in　a　warm；　diffuse　formless
fashion。　Everything　melted　down　into　a　rosy　glow；　and　he　was　the
glow；　and　everything　was　the　glow；　everybody　else　was　the　glow；
and　it　was　very　nice；　very　nice。　He　would　sing　songs；　it　was　so
nice。

Ursula　went　back　to　Beldover　shut　and　firm。　She　loved
Skrebensky；　of　that　she　was　resolved。　She　would　allow　nothing
else。

She　read　his　long；　obsessed　letter　about　getting　married　and
going　to　India；　without　any　particular　response。　She　seemed　to
ignore　what　he　said　about　marriage。　It　did　not　e　home　to　her。
He　seemed；　throughout　the　greater　part　of　his　letter；　to　be
talking　without　much　meaning。

She　replied　to　him　pleasantly　and　easily。　She　rarely　wrote
long　letters。

India　sounds　lovely。　I　can　just　see　myself　on　an　elephant
swaying　between　lanes　of　obsequious　natives。　But　I　don't　know　if
father　would　let　me　go。　We　must　see。

I　keep　living　over　again　the　lovely　times　we　have　had。　But　I
don't　think　you　liked　me　quite　so　much　towards　the　end；　did　you？
You　did　not　like　me　when　we　left　Paris。　Why　didn't　you？

I　love　you　very　much。　I　love　your　body。　It　is　so　clear　and
fine。　I　am　glad　you　do　not　go　naked；　or　all　the　women　would　fall
in　love　with　you。　I　am　very　jealous　of　it；　I　love　it　so
much。

He　was　more　or　less　satisfied　with　this　letter。　But　day　after
day　he　was　walking　about；　dead；　non…existent。

He　could　not　e　again　to　Nottingham　until　the　end　of　April。
Then　he　persuaded　her　to　go　with　him　for　a　week…end　to　a
friend's　house　near　Oxford。　By　this　time　they　were　engaged。　He
had　written　to　her　father；　and　the　thing　was　settled。　He　brought
her　an　emerald　ring；　of　which　she　was　very　proud。

Her　people　treated　her　now　with　a　little　distance；　as　if　she
had　already　left　them。　They　left　her　very　much　alone。

She　went　with　him　for　the　three　days　in　the　country　house
near　Oxford。　It　was　delicious；　and　she　was　very　happy。　But　the
thing　she　remembered　most　was　when；　getting　up　in　the　morning
after　he　had　gone　back　quietly　to　his　own　room；　having　spent　the
night　with　her；　she　found　herself　very　rich　in　being　alone；　and
enjoying　to　the　full　her　solitary　room；　she　drew　up　her　blind
and　saw　the　plum　trees　in　the　garden　below　all　glittering　and
snowy　and　delighted　with　the　sunshine；　in　full　bloom　under　a
blue　sky。　They　threw　out　their　blossom；　they　flung　it　out　under
the　blue　heavens；　the　whitest　blossom！　How　excited　it　made
her。

She　had　to　hurry　through　her　dressing　to　go　and　walk　in　the
garden　under　the　plum　trees；　before　anyone　should　e　and　talk
to　her。　Out　she　slipped；　and　paced　like　a　queen　in　fairy
pleasaunces。　The　blossom　was　silver…shadowy　when　she　looked　up
from　under　the　tree　at　the　blue　sky。　There　was　a　faint　scent；　a
faint　noise　of　bees；　a　orning。

She　heard　the　breakfast　gong　and　went　indoors。

〃Where　have　you　been？〃　asked　the　others。

〃I　had　to　go　out　under　the　plum　trees；〃　she　said；　her　face
glowing　like　a　flower。　〃It　is　so　lovely。〃

A　shadow　of　anger　crossed　Skrebensky's　soul。　She　had　not
wanted　him　to　be　there。　He　hardened　his　will。

At　night　there　was　a　moon；　and　the　blossom　glistened　ghostly；
they　went　together　to　look　at　it。　She　saw　the　moonlight　on　his
face　as　he　waited　near　her；　and　his　features　were　like　silver
and　his　eyes　in　shadow　were　unfathomable。　She　was　in　love　with
him。　He　was　very　quiet。

They　went　indoors　and　she　pretended　to　be　tired。　So　she　went
quickly　to　bed。

〃Don't　be　long　ing　to　me；〃　she　whispered；　as　she　was
supposed　to　be　kissing　him　good　night。

And　he　waited；　intent；　obsessed；　for　the　moment　when　he　could
e　to　her。

She　enjoyed　him；　she　made　much　of　him。　She　liked　to　put　her
fingers　on　the　soft　skin　of　his　sides；　or　on　the　softness　of　his
back；　when　he　made　the　muscles　hard　underneath；　the　muscles
developed　very　strong　through　riding；　and　she　had　a　great　thrill
of　excitement　and　passion；　because　of　the　unimpressible　hardness
of　his　body；　that　was　so　soft　and　smooth　under　her　fingers；　that
came　to　her　with　such　absolute　service。

She　owned　his　body　and　enjoyed　it　with　all　the　delight　and
carelessness　of　a　possessor。　But　he　had　bee　gradually　afraid
of　her　body。　He　wanted　her；　he　wanted　her　endlessly。　But　there
had　e　a　tension　into　his　desire；　a　constraint　which　prevented
his　enjoying　the　delicious　approach　and　the　lovable　close　of　the
endless　embrace。　He　was　afraid。　His　will　was　always　tense；
fixed。

Her　final　examination　was　at　midsummer。　She　insisted　on
sitting　for　it；　although　she　had　neglected　her　work　during　the
past　months。　He　also　wanted　her　to　go　in　for　the　degree。　Then；
he　thought；　she　would　be　satisfied。　Secretly　he　hoped　she　would
fail；　so　that　she　would　be　more　glad　of　him。

〃Would　you　rather　live　in　India　or　in　England　when　we　are
married？〃　he　asked　her。

〃Oh；　in　India；　by　far；〃　she　said；　with　a　careless　lack　of
consideration　which　annoyed　him。

Once　she　said；　with　heat：

〃I　shall　be　glad　to　leave　England。　Everything　is　so　meagre
and　paltry；　it　is　so　unspiritual……I　hate　democracy。〃

He　became　angry　to　hear　her　talk　like　this；　he　did　not　know
why。　Somehow；　he　could　not　bear　it；　when　she　attacked　things。　It
was　as　if　she　were　attacking　him。

〃What　do　you　mean？〃　he　asked　her；　hostile。　〃Why　do　you　hate
democracy？〃

〃Only　the　greedy　and　ugly　people　e　to　the　top　in　a
democracy；〃　she　said；　〃because　they're　the　only　people　who　will
push　themselves　there。　Only　degenerate　races　are
democratic。〃

〃What　do　you　want　then……an　aristocracy？〃　he　asked；
secretly　moved。　He　always　felt　that　by　rights　he　belonged　to　the
ruling　aristocracy。　Yet　to　hear　her　speak　for　his　class　pained
him　with　a　curious；　painful　pleasure。　He　felt　he　was　acquiescing
in　something　illegal；　taking　to　himself　some　wrong；
reprehensible　advantages。

〃I　do　want　an　aristocracy；〃　she　cried。　〃And　I'd　far
rather　have　an　aristocracy　of　birth　than　of　money。　Who　are　the
aristocrats　now……who　are　chosen　as　the　best　to　rule？　Those
who　have　money　and　the　brains　for　money。　It　doesn't　matter　what
else　they　have：　but　they　must　have　money…brains；……because
they　are　ruling　in　the　name　of　money。〃

〃The　people　elect　the　government；〃　he　said。

〃I　know　they　do。　But　what　are　the　people？　Each　one　of　them　is
a　money…interest。　I　hate　it；　that　anybody　is　my　equal　who　has
the　same　amount　of　money　as　I　have。　I　know　I　am　better
than　all　of　them。　I　hate　them。　They　are　not　my　equals。　I　hate
equality　on　a　money　basis。　It　is　the　equality　of　dirt。〃

Her　eyes　blazed　at　him；　he　felt　as　if　she　wanted　to　destroy
him。　She　had　gripped　him　and　was　trying　to　break　him。　His　anger
sprang　up；　against　her。　At　least　he　would　fight　for　his
existence　with　her。　A　hard；　blind　resistance　possessed　him。

〃I　don't　care　about　money；〃　he　said；　〃neither　do　I
want　to　put　my　finger　in　the　pie。　I　am　too　sensitive　about　my
finger。〃

〃What　is　your　finger　to　me？〃　she　cried；　in　a　passion。　〃You
with　your　dainty　fingers；　and　your　going　to　India　because　you
will　be　one　of　the　somebodies　there！　It's　a　mere　dodge；　your
going　to　India。〃

〃In　what　way　a　dodge？〃　he　cried；　white　with　anger　and
fear。

〃You　think　the　Indians　are　simpler　than　us；　and　so　you'll
enjoy　being　near　them　and　being　a　lord　over　them；〃　she　said。
〃And　you'll　feel　so　righteous；　governing　them　for　their　own
good。　Who　are　you；　to　feel　righteous？　What　are　you　righteous
about；　in　your　governing？　Your　governing　stinks。　What　do　you
govern　for；　but　to　make　things　there　as　dead　and　mean　as　they
are　here！〃

〃I　don't　feel　righteous　in　the　least；〃　he　said。

〃Then　what　do　you　feel？　It's　all　such　a　nothingness；
what　you　feel　and　what　you　don't　feel。〃

〃What　do　you　feel　yourself？〃　he　said。　〃Aren't　you　righteous
in　your　own　mind？〃

〃Yes；　I　am；　because　I'm　against　you；　and　all　your　old；　dead
things；〃　she　cried。

She　seemed；　with　the　last　words；　uttered　in　hard　knowledge；
to　strike　down　the　flag　that　he　kept　flying。　He　felt　cut　off　at
the　knees；　a　figure　made　worthless。　A　horrible　sickness　gripped
him；　as　if　his　legs　were　really　cut　away；　and　he　could　not　move；
but　remained　a　crippled　trunk；　dependent；　worthless。　The　ghastly
sense　of　helplessness；　as　if　he　were　a　mere　figure　that　did　not
exist　vitally；　made　him　mad；　beside　himself。

Now；　even　whilst　he　was　with　her；　this　death　of　himself　came
over　him；　when　he　walked　about　like　a　body　from　which　all
individual　life　is　gone。　In　this　state　he　neither　heard　nor　saw
nor　felt；　only　the　mechanism　of　his　life　continued。

He　hated　her；　as　far　as；　in　this　state；　he　could　hate。　His
cunning　suggested　to　him　all　the　ways　of　making　her　esteem　him。
For　she　did　not　esteem　him。　He　left　her　and　did　not　write　to
her。　He　flirted　with　other　women；　with　Gudrun。

This　last　made　her　very　fierce。　She　was　still　fiercely
jealous　of　his　body。　In　passionate　anger　she　upbraided　him
because；　not　being　man　enough　to　satisfy　one　woman；　he　hung
round　others。

＇〃Don't　I　satisfy　you？〃　he　asked　of　her；　again　going　white　to　the　throat。

〃No；〃　she　said。　〃You've　never　satisfied　me　since　the　first　week　in　London。
You　never　satisfy　me　now。　What　does　it　mean　to　me；　your　having　me……〃＇
She　lifted　her　shoulders　and　turned　aside　her　face　in　a　motion　of　cold；
indifferent　worthlessness。　　He　felt　he　would　kill　her。

When　she　had　roused　him　to　a　pitch　of　madness；　when　she　saw
his　eyes　all　dark　and　mad　with　suffering；　then　a　great　suffering
overcame　her　soul；　a　great；　inconquerable　suffering。　And　she
loved　him。　For；　oh；　she　wanted　to　love　him。　Stronger　than　life
or　death　was　her　craving　to　be　able　to　love　him。

And　at　such　moments；　when　he　was　made　with　her　destroying
him；　when　all　his　placency　was　destroyed；　all　his　everyday
self　was　broken；　and　only　the　stripped；　rudimentary；　primal　man
remained；　demented　with　torture；　her　passion　to　love　him　became
love；　she　took　him　again；　they　came　together　in　an　overwhelming
passion；　in　which　he　knew　he　satisfied　her。

But　it　all　contained　a　developing　germ　of　death。　After　each
contact；　her　anguished　desire　for　him　or　for　that　which　she
never　had　from　him　was　stronger；　her　love　was　more　hopeless。
After　each　contact　his　mad　dependence　on　her　was　deepened；　his
hope　of　standing　strong　and　taking　her　in　his　own　strength　was
weakened。　He　felt　himself　a　mere　attribute　of　her。

Whitsuntide　came；　just　before　her　examination。　She　was　to
have　a　few　days　of　rest。　Dorothy　had　inherited　her　patrimony