The Rainbow-虹(英文版)-第33部分

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love　came　out　of　the　ashes　of　this　last　pain。

Directly；　it　occurred　to　her　that　she　was　with　child。　There
was　a　great　trembling　of　wonder　and　anticipation　through　her
soul。　She　wanted　a　child。　Not　that　she　loved　babies　so　much；
though　she　was　touched　by　all　young　things。　But　she　wanted　to
bear　children。　And　a　certain　hunger　in　her　heart　wanted　to　unite
her　husband　with　herself；　in　a　child。

She　wanted　a　son。　She　felt；　a　son　would　be　everything。　She
wanted　to　tell　her　husband。　But　it　was　such　a　trembling；
intimate　thing　to　tell　him；　and　he　was　at　this　time　hard　and
unresponsive。　So　that　she　went　away　and　wept。　It　was　such　a
waste　of　a　beautiful　opportunity；　such　a　frost　that　nipped　in
the　bud　one　of　the　beautiful　moments　of　her　life。　She　went　about
heavy　and　tremulous　with　her　secret；　wanting　to　touch　him；　oh；
most　delicately；　and　see　his　face；　dark　and　sensitive；　attend　to
her　news。　She　waited　and　waited　for　him　to　bee　gentle　and
still　towards　her。　But　he　was　always　harsh　and　he　bullied
her。

So　that　the　buds　shrivelled　from　her　confidence；　she　was
chilled。　She　went　down　to　the　Marsh。

〃Well；〃　said　her　father；　looking　at　her　and　seeing　her　at　the
first　glance；　〃what's　amiss　wi'　you　now？〃

The　tears　came　at　the　touch　of　his　careful　love。

〃Nothing；〃　she　said。

〃Can't　you　hit　it　off；　you　two？〃　he　said。

〃He's　so　obstinate；〃　she　quivered；　but　her　soul　was　obdurate
itself。

〃Ay；　an'　I　know　another　who's　all　that；〃　said　her　father。

She　was　silent。

〃You　don't　want　to　make　yourselves　miserable；〃　said　her
father；　〃all　about　nowt。〃

〃He　isn't　miserable；〃　she　said。

〃I'll　back　my　life；　if　you　can　do　nowt　else；　you　can　make　him
as　miserable　as　a　dog。　You'd　be　a　dab　hand　at　that；　my
lass。〃

〃I　do　nothing　to　make　him　miserable；〃　she　retorted。

〃Oh　no……oh　no！　A　packet　o'　butterscotch；　you　are。〃

She　laughed　a　little。

〃You　mustn't　think　I　want　him　to　be　miserable；〃　she
cried。　〃I　don't。〃

〃We　quite　readily　believe　it；〃　retorted　Brangwen。　〃Neither　do
you　intend　him　to　be　hopping　for　joy　like　a　fish　in　a　pond。〃

This　made　her　think。　She　was　rather　surprised　to　find　that
she　did　not　intend　her　husband　to　be　hopping　for　joy　like
a　fish　in　a　pond。

Her　mother　came；　and　they　all　sat　down　to　tea；　talking
casually。

〃Remember；　child；〃　said　her　mother；　〃that　everything　is　not
waiting　for　your　hand　just　to　take　or　leave。　You　mustn't
expect　it。　Between　two　people；　the　love　itself　is　the　important
thing；　and　that　is　neither　you　nor　him。　It　is　a　third　thing　you
must　create。　You　mustn't　expect　it　to　be　just　your　way。〃

〃Ha…nor　do　I。　If　I　did　I　should　soon　find　my　mistake　out。　If
I　put　my　hand　out　to　take　anything；　my　hand　is　very　soon
bitten；　I　can　tell　you。〃

〃Then　you　must　mind　where　you　put　your　hand；〃　said　her
father。

Anna　was　rather　indignant　that　they　took　the　tragedy　of　her
young　married　life　ity。

〃You　love　the　man　right　enough；〃　said　her　father；　wrinkling
his　forehead　in　distress。　〃That's　all　as　counts。〃

〃I　do　love　him；　more　shame　to　him；〃　she　cried。　〃I　want
to　tell　him……I've　been　waiting　for　four　days　now　to　tell
him〃　her　face　began　to　quiver；　the　tears　came。　Her
parents　watched　her　in　silence。　She　did　not　go　on。

〃Tell　him　what？〃　said　her　father。

〃That　we're　going　to　have　an　infant；〃　she　sobbed；　〃and　he's
never；　never　let　me；　not　once；　every　time　I've　e　to　him；　he's
been　horrid　to　me；　and　I　wanted　to　tell　him；　I　did。　And　he　won't
let　me……he's　cruel　to　me。〃

She　sobbed　as　if　her　heart　would　break。　Her　mother　went　and
forted　her；　put　her　arms　round　her；　and　held　her　close。　Her
father　sat　with　a　queer；　wrinkled　brow；　and　was　rather　paler
than　usual。　His　heart　went　tense　with　hatred　of　his
son…in…law。

So　that；　when　the　tale　was　sobbed　out；　and　fort
administered　and　tea　sipped；　and　something　like　calm　restored　to
the　little　circle；　the　thought　of　Will　Brangwen's　entry　was　not
pleasantly　entertained。

Tilly　was　set　to　watch　out　for　him　as　he　passed　by　on　his　way
home。　The　little　party　at　table　heard　the　woman's　servant's
shrill　call：

〃You've　got　to　e　in；　Will。　Anna's　here。〃

After　a　few　moments；　the　youth　entered。

〃Are　you　stopping？〃　he　asked　in　his　hard；　harsh　voice。

He　seemed　like　a　blade　of　destruction　standing　there。　She
quivered　to　tears。

〃Sit　you　down；〃　said　Tom　Brangwen；　〃an'　take　a　bit　off　your
length。〃

Will　Brangwen　sat　down。　He　felt　something　strange　in　the
atmosphere。　He　was　dark　browed；　but　his　eyes　had　the　keen；
intent；　sharp　look；　as　if　he　could　only　see　in　the　distance；
which　was　a　beauty　in　him；　and　which　made　Anna　so　angry。

〃Why　does　he　always　deny　me？〃　she　said　to　herself。　〃Why　is　it
nothing　to　him；　what　I　am？〃

And　Tom　Brangwen；　blue…eyed　and　warm；　sat　in　opposition　to
the　youth。

〃How　long　are　you　stopping？〃　the　young　husband　asked　his
wife。

〃Not　very　long；〃　she　said。

〃Get　your　tea；　lad；〃　said　Tom　Brangwen。　〃Are　you　itchin'　to
be　off　the　moment　you　enter？〃

They　talked　of　trivial　things。　Through　the　open　door　the
level　rays　of　sunset　poured　in；　shining　on　the　floor。　A　grey　hen
appeared　stepping　swiftly　in　the　doorway；　pecking；　and　the　light
through　her　b　and　her　wattles　made　an　oriflamme　tossed　here
and　there；　as　she　went；　her　grey　body　was　like　a　ghost。

Anna；　watching；　threw　scraps　of　bread；　and　she　felt　the　child
flame　within　her。　She　seemed　to　remember　again　forgotten；
burning；　far…off　things。

〃Where　was　I　born；　mother？〃　she　asked。

〃In　London。〃

〃And　was　my　father〃……she　spoke　of　him　as　if　he　were
merely　a　strange　name：　she　could　never　connect　herself　with
him……〃was　he　dark？〃

〃He　had　dark…brown　hair　and　dark　eyes　and　a　fresh　colouring。
He　went　bald；　rather　bald；　when　he　was　quite　young；〃　replied　her
mother；　also　as　if　telling　a　tale　which　was　just　old
imagination。

〃Was　he　good…looking？〃

〃Yes……he　was　very　good…looking……rather　small。　I
have　never　seen　an　Englishman　who　looked　like　him。〃

〃Why？〃

〃He　was〃……the　mother　made　a　quick；　running　movement　with
her　hands……〃his　figure　was　alive　and　changing……it　was
never　fixed。　He　was　not　in　the　least　steady……like　a　running
stream。〃

It　flashed　over　the　youth……Anna　too　was　like　a　running
stream。　Instantly　he　was　in　love　with　her　again。

Tom　Brangwen　was　frightened。　His　heart　always　filled　with
fear；　fear　of　the　unknown；　when　he　heard　his　women　speak　of
their　bygone　men　as　of　strangers　they　had　known　in　passing　and
had　taken　leave　of　again。

In　the　room；　there　came　a　silence　and　a　singleness　over　all
their　hearts。　They　were　separate　people　with　separate　destinies。
Why　should　they　seek　each　to　lay　violent　hands　of　claim　on　the
other？

The　young　people　went　home　as　a　sharp　little　moon　was　setting
in　the　dusk　of　spring。　Tufts　of　trees　hovered　in　the　upper　air；
the　little　church　pricked　up　shadowily　at　the　top　of　the　hill；
the　earth　was　a　dark　blue　shadow。

She　put　her　hand　lightly　on　his　arm；　out　of　her　far　distance。
And　out　of　the　distance；　he　felt　her　touch　him。　They　walked　on；
hand　in　hand；　along　opposite　horizons；　touching　across　the　dusk。
There　was　a　sound　of　thrushes　calling　in　the　dark　blue
twilight。

〃I　think　we　are　going　to　have　an　infant；　Bill；〃　she　said；
from　far　off。

He　trembled；　and　his　fingers　tightened　on　hers。

〃Why？〃　he　asked；　his　heart　beating。　〃You　don't　know？〃

〃I　do；〃　she　said。

They　continued　without　saying　any　more；　walking　along
opposite　horizons；　hand　in　hand　across　the　intervening　space；
two　separate　people。　And　he　trembled　as　if　a　wind　blew　on　to　him
in　strong　gusts；　out　of　the　unseen。　He　was　afraid。　He　was　afraid
to　know　he　was　alone。　For　she　seemed　fulfilled　and　separate　and
sufficient　in　her　half　of　the　world。　He　could　not　bear　to　know
that　he　was　cut　off。　Why　could　he　not　be　always　one　with　her？　It
was　he　who　had　given　her　the　child。　Why　could　she　not　be　with
him；　one　with　him？　Why　must　he　be　set　in　this　separateness；　why
could　she　not　be　with　him；　close；　close；　as　one　with　him？　She
must　be　one　with　him。

He　held　her　fingers　tightly　in　his　own。　She　did　not　know　what
he　was　thinking。　The　blaze　of　light　on　her　heart　was　too
beautiful　and　dazzling；　from　the　conception　in　her　womb。　She
walked　glorified；　and　the　sound　of　the　thrushes；　of　the　trains
in　the　valley；　of　the　far…off；　faint　noises　of　the　town；　were
her　〃Magnificat〃。

But　he　was　struggling　in　silence。　It　seemed　as　though　there
were　before　him　a　solid　wall　of　darkness　that　impeded　him　and
suffocated　him　and　made　him　mad。　He　wanted　her　to　e　to　him；
to　plete　him；　to　stand　before　him　so　that　his　eyes　did　not；
should　not　meet　the　naked　darkness。　Nothing　mattered　to　him　but
that　she　should　e　and　plete　him。　For　he　was　ridden　by　the
awful　sense　of　his　own　limitation。　It　was　as　if　he　ended
unpleted；　as　yet　uncreated　on　the　darkness；　and　he　wanted　her
to　e　and　liberate　him　into　the　whole。

But　she　was　plete　in　herself；　and　he　was　ashamed　of　his
need；　his　helpless　need　of　her。　His　need；　and　his　shame　of　need；
weighed　on　him　like　a　madness。　Yet　still　he　was　quiet　and
gentle；　in　reverence　of　her　conception；　and　because　she　was　with
child　by　him。

And　she　was　happy　in　showers　of　sunshine。　She　loved　her
husband；　as　a　presence；　as　a　grateful　condition。　But　for　the
moment　her　need　was　fulfilled；　and　now　she　wanted　only　to　hold
her　husband　by　the　hand　in　sheer　happiness；　without　taking
thought；　only　being　glad。

He　had　various　folios　of　reproductions；　and　among　them　a
cheap　print　from　Fra　Angelico's　〃Entry　of　the　Blessed　into
Paradise〃。　This　filled　Anna　with　bliss。　The　beautiful；　innocent
way　in　which　the　Blessed　held　each　other　by　the　hand　as　they
moved　towards　the　radiance；　the　real；　real；　angelic　melody；　made
her　weep　with　happiness。　The　floweriness；　the　beams　of　light；
the　linking　of　hands；　was　almost　too　much　for　her；　too
innocent。

Day　after　day　came　shining　through　the　door　of　Paradise；　day
after　day　she　entered　into　the　brightness。　The　child　in　her
shone　till　she　herself　was　a　beam　of　sunshine；　and　how　lovely
was　the　sunshine　that　loitered　and　wandered　out　of　doors；　where
the　catkins　on　the　big　hazel　bushes　at　the　end　of　the　garden
hung　in　their　shaken；　floating　aureole；　where　little　fumes　like
fire　burst　out　from　the　black　yew　trees　as　a　bird　settled
clinging　to　the　branches。　One　day　bluebells　were　along　the
hedge…bottoms；　then　cowslips　twinkled　like　manna；　golden　and
evanescent　on　the　meadows。　She　was　full　of　a　rich　drowsiness　and
loneliness。　How　happy　she　was；　how　gorgeous　it　was　to　live：　to
have　known　herself；　her　husband；　the　passion　of　love　and
begetting；　and　to　know　that　all　this　lived　and　waited　and　burned
on　around　her；　a　terrible　purifying　fire；　through　which　she　had
passed　for　once　to　e　to　this　peace　of　golden　radiance；　when
she　was　with　child；　and　innocent；　and　in　love　with　her　husband
and　with　all　the　many　angels　hand　in　hand。　She　lifted　her　throat
to　the　breeze　that　came　across　the　fields；　and　she　felt　it
handling　her　like　sisters　fondling　her；　she　drank　it　in　perfume
of　cowslips　and　of　apple…blossoms。

And　in　all　the　happiness　a　black　shadow；　shy；　wild；　a　beast
of　prey；　roamed　and　vanished　from　sight；　and　like　strands　of
gossamer　blown　across　her　eyes；　there　was　a　dread　for　her。

She　was　afraid　when　he　came　home　at　night