The Rainbow-虹(英文版)-第12部分

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last　anguish　of　delight。

What　did　it　matter　who　they　were；　whether　they　knew　each
other　or　not？

The　hour　passed　away　again；　there　was　severance　between　them；
and　rage　and　misery　and　bereavement　for　her；　and　deposition　and
toiling　at　the　mill　with　slaves　for　him。　But　no　matter。　They　had
had　their　hour；　and　should　it　chime　again；　they　were　ready　for
it；　ready　to　renew　the　game　at　the　point　where　it　was　left　off；
on　the　edge　of　the　outer　darkness；　when　the　secrets　within　the
woman　are　game　for　the　man；　hunted　doggedly；　when　the　secrets　of
the　woman　are　the　man's　adventure；　and　they　both　give　themselves
to　the　adventure。

She　was　with　child；　and　there　was　again　the　silence　and
distance　between　them。　She　did　not　want　him　nor　his　secrets　nor
his　game；　he　was　deposed；　he　was　cast　out。　He　seethed　with　fury
at　the　small；　ugly…mouthed　woman　who　had　nothing　to　do　with　him。
Sometimes　his　anger　broke　on　her；　but　she　did　not　cry。　She
turned　on　him　like　a　tiger；　and　there　was　battle。

He　had　to　learn　to　contain　himself　again；　and　he　hated　it。　He
hated　her　that　she　was　not　there　for　him。　And　he　took　himself
off；　anywhere。

But　an　instinct　of　gratitude　and　a　knowledge　that　she　would
receive　him　back　again；　that　later　on　she　would　be　there　for　him
again；　prevented　his　straying　very　far。　He　cautiously　did　not　go
too　far。　He　knew　she　might　lapse　into　ignorance　of　him；　lapse
away　from　him；　farther；　farther；　farther；　till　she　was　lost　to
him。　He　had　sense　enough；　premonition　enough　in　himself；　to　be
aware　of　this　and　to　measure　himself　accordingly。　For　he　did　not
want　to　lose　her：　he　did　not　want　her　to　lapse　away。

Cold；　he　called　her；　selfish；　only　caring　about　herself；　a
foreigner　with　a　bad　nature；　caring　really　about　nothing；　having
no　proper　feelings　at　the　bottom　of　her；　and　no　proper　niceness。
He　raged；　and　piled　up　accusations　that　had　some　measure　of
truth　in　them　all。　But　a　certain　grace　in　him　forbade　him　from
going　too　far。　He　knew；　and　he　quivered　with　rage　and　hatred；
that　she　was　all　these　vile　things；　that　she　was　everything　vile
and　detestable。　But　he　had　grace　at　the　bottom　of　him；　which
told　him　that；　above　all　things；　he　did　not　want　to　lose　her；　he
was　not　going　to　lose　her。

So　he　kept　some　consideration　for　her；　he　preserved　some
relationship。　He　went　out　more　often；　to　the　〃Red　Lion〃　again；
to　escape　the　madness　of　sitting　next　to　her　when　she　did　not
belong　to　him；　when　she　was　as　absent　as　any　woman　in
indifference　could　be。　He　could　not　stay　at　home。　So　he　went　to
the　〃Red　Lion〃。　And　sometimes　he　got　drunk。　But　he　preserved　his
measure；　some　things　between　them　he　never　forfeited。

A　tormented　look　came　into　his　eyes；　as　if　something　were
always　dogging　him。　He　glanced　sharp　and　quick；　he　could　not
bear　to　sit　still　doing　nothing。　He　had　to　go　out；　to　find
pany；　to　give　himself　away　there。　For　he　had　no　other　outlet；
he　could　not　work　to　give　himself　out；　he　had　not　the
knowledge。

As　the　months　of　her　pregnancy　went　on；　she　left　him　more　and
more　alone；　she　was　more　and　more　unaware　of　him；　his　existence
was　annulled。　And　he　felt　bound　down；　bound；　unable　to　stir；
beginning　to　go　mad；　ready　to　rave。　For　she　was　quiet　and
polite；　as　if　he　did　not　exist；　as　one　is　quiet　and　polite　to　a
servant。

Nevertheless　she　was　great　with　his　child；　it　was　his　turn　to
submit。　She　sat　opposite　him；　sewing；　her　foreign　face
inscrutable　and　indifferent。　He　felt　he　wanted　to　break　her　into
acknowledgment　of　him；　into　awareness　of　him。　It　was
insufferable　that　she　had　so　obliterated　him。　He　would　smash　her
into　regarding　him。　He　had　a　raging　agony　of　desire　to　do
so。

But　something　bigger　in　him　withheld　him；　kept　him
motionless。　So　he　went　out　of　the　house　for　relief。　Or　he　turned
to　the　little　girl　for　her　sympathy　and　her　love；　he　appealed
with　all　his　power　to　the　small　Anna。　So　soon　they　were　like
lovers；　father　and　child。

For　he　was　afraid　of　his　wife。　As　she　sat　there　with　bent
head；　silent；　working　or　reading；　but　so　unutterably　silent　that
his　heart　seemed　under　the　millstone　of　it；　she　became　herself
like　the　upper　millstone　lying　on　him；　crushing　him；　as
sometimes　a　heavy　sky　lies　on　the　earth。

Yet　he　knew　he　could　not　tear　her　away　from　the　heavy
obscurity　into　which　she　was　merged。　He　must　not　try　to　tear　her
into　recognition　of　himself；　and　agreement　with　himself。　It　were
disastrous；　impious。　So；　let　him　rage　as　he　might；　he　must
withhold　himself。　But　his　wrists　trembled　and　seemed　mad；　seemed
as　if　they　would　burst。

When；　in　November；　the　leaves　came　beating　against　the　window
shutters；　with　a　lashing　sound；　he　started；　and　his　eyes
flickered　with　flame。　The　dog　looked　up　at　him；　he　sunk　his　head
to　the　fire。　But　his　wife　was　startled。　He　was　aware　of　her
listening。

〃They　blow　up　with　a　rattle；〃　he　said。

〃What？〃　she　asked。

〃The　leaves。〃

She　sank　away　again。　The　strange　leaves　beating　in　the　wind
on　the　wood　had　e　nearer　than　she。　The　tension　in　the　room
was　overpowering；　it　was　difficult　for　him　to　move　his　head。　He
sat　with　every　nerve；　every　vein；　every　fibre　of　muscle　in　his
body　stretched　on　a　tension。　He　felt　like　a　broken　arch　thrust
sickeningly　out　from　support。　For　her　response　was　gone；　he
thrust　at　nothing。　And　he　remained　himself；　he　saved　himself
from　crashing　down　into　nothingness；　from　being　squandered　into
fragments；　by　sheer　tension；　sheer　backward　resistance。

During　the　last　months　of　her　pregnancy；　he　went　about　in　a
surcharged；　imminent　state　that　did　not　exhaust　itself。　She　was
also　depressed；　and　sometimes　she　cried。　It　needed　so　much　life
to　begin　afresh；　after　she　had　lost　so　lavishly。　Sometimes　she
cried。　Then　he　stood　stiff；　feeling　his　heart　would　burst。　For
she　did　not　want　him；　she　did　not　want　even　to　be　made　aware　of
him。　By　the　very　puckering　of　her　face　he　knew　that　he　must
stand　back；　leave　her　intact；　alone。　For　it　was　the　old　grief
e　back　in　her；　the　old　loss；　the　pain　of　the　old　life；　the
dead　husband；　the　dead　children。　This　was　sacred　to　her；　and　he
must　not　violate　her　with　his　fort。　For　what　she　wanted　she
would　e　to　him。　He　stood　aloof　with　turgid　heart。

He　had　to　see　her　tears　e；　fall　over　her　scarcely　moving
face；　that　only　puckered　sometimes；　down　on　to　her　breast；　that
was　so　still；　scarcely　moving。　And　there　was　no　noise；　save　now
and　again；　when；　with　a　strange；　somnambulant　movement；　she　took
her　handkerchief　and　wiped　her　face　and　blew　her　nose；　and　went
on　with　the　noiseless　weeping。　He　knew　that　any　offer　of　fort
from　himself　would　be　worse　than　useless；　hateful　to　her；
jangling　her。　She　must　cry。　But　it　drove　him　insane。　His　heart
was　scalded；　his　brain　hurt　in　his　head；　he　went　away；　out　of
the　house。

His　great　and　chiefest　source　of　solace　was　the　child。　She
had　been　at　first　aloof　from　him；　reserved。　However　friendly　she
might　seem　one　day；　the　next　she　would　have　lapsed　to　her
original　disregard　of　him；　cold；　detached；　at　her　distance。

The　first　morning　after　his　marriage　he　had　discovered　it
would　not　be　so　easy　with　the　child。　At　the　break　of　dawn　he　had
started　awake　hearing　a　small　voice　outside　the　door　saying
plaintively：

〃Mother！〃

He　rose　and　opened　the　door。　She　stood　on　the　threshold　in
her　night…dress；　as　she　had　climbed　out　of　bed；　black　eyes
staring　round　and　hostile；　her　fair　hair　sticking　out　in　a　wild
fleece。　The　man　and　child　confronted　each　other。

〃I　want　my　mother；〃　she　said；　jealously　accenting　the
〃my〃。

〃e　on　then；〃　he　said　gently。

〃Where's　my　mother？〃

〃She's　here……e　on。〃

The　child's　eyes；　staring　at　the　man　with　ruffled　hair　and
beard；　did　not　change。　The　mother's　voice　called　softly。　The
little　bare　feet　entered　the　room　with　trepidation。

〃Mother！〃

〃e；　my　dear。〃

The　small　bare　feet　approached　swiftly。

〃I　wondered　where　you　were；〃　came　the　plaintive　voice。　The
mother　stretched　out　her　arms。　The　child　stood　beside　the　high
bed。　Brangwen　lightly　lifted　the　tiny　girl；　with　an
〃up…a…daisy〃；　then　took　his　own　place　in　the　bed　again。

〃Mother！〃　cried　the　child；　as　in　anguish。

〃What；　my　pet？〃

Anna　wriggled　close　into　her　mother's　arms；　clinging　tight；
hiding　from　the　fact　of　the　man。　Brangwen　lay　still；　and　waited。
There　was　a　long　silence。

Then　suddenly；　Anna　looked　round；　as　if　she　thought　he　would
be　gone。　She　saw　the　face　of　the　man　lying　upturned　to　the
ceiling。　Her　black　eyes　stared　antagonistic　from　her　exquisite
face；　her　arms　clung　tightly　to　her　mother；　afraid。　He　did　not
move　for　some　time；　not　knowing　what　to　say。　His　face　was　smooth
and　soft…skinned　with　love；　his　eyes　full　of　soft　light。　He
looked　at　her；　scarcely　moving　his　head；　his　eyes　smiling。

〃Have　you　just　wakened　up？〃　he　said。

〃Go　away；〃　she　retorted；　with　a　little　darting　forward　of　the
head；　something　like　a　viper。

〃Nay；〃　he　answered；　〃I'm　not　going。　You　can　go。〃

〃Go　away；〃　came　the　sharp　little　mand。

〃There's　room　for　you；〃　he　said。

〃You　can't　send　your　father　from　his　own　bed；　my　little
bird；〃　said　her　mother；　pleasantly。

The　child　glowered　at　him；　miserable　in　her　impotence。

〃There's　room　for　you　as　well；〃　he　said。　〃It's　a　big　bed
enough。〃

She　glowered　without　answering；　then　turned　and　clung　to　her
mother。　She　would　not　allow　it。

During　the　day　she　asked　her　mother　several　times：

〃When　are　we　going　home；　mother？〃

〃We　are　at　home；　darling；　we　live　here　now。　This　is　our
house；　we　live　here　with　your　father。〃

The　child　was　forced　to　accept　it。　But　she　remained　against
the　man。　As　night　came　on；　she　asked：

〃Where　are　you　going　to　sleep；　mother？〃

〃I　sleep　with　the　father　now。〃

And　when　Brangwen　came　in；　the　child　asked　fiercely：

〃Why　do　you　sleep　with　my　mother？　My　mother
sleeps　with　me；〃　her　voice　quivering。

〃You　e　as　well；　an'　sleep　with　both　of　us；〃　he　coaxed。

〃Mother！〃　she　cried；　turning；　appealing　against　him。

〃But　I　must　have　a　husband；　darling。　All　women　must　have　a
husband。〃

〃And　you　like　to　have　a　father　with　your　mother；　don't　you？〃
said　Brangwen。

Anna　glowered　at　him。　She　seemed　to　cogitate。

〃No；〃　she　cried　fiercely　at　length；　〃no；　I　don't
want。〃　And　slowly　her　face　puckered；　she　sobbed　bitterly。
He　stood　and　watched　her；　sorry。　But　there　could　be　no　altering
it。

Which；　when　she　knew；　she　became　quiet。　He　was　easy　with　her；
talking　to　her；　taking　her　to　see　the　live　creatures；　bringing
her　the　first　chickens　in　his　cap；　taking　her　to　gather　the
eggs；　letting　her　throw　crusts　to　the　horse。　She　would　easily
acpany　him；　and　take　all　he　had　to　give；　but　she　remained
neutral　still。

She　was　curiously；　inprehensibly　jealous　of　her　mother；
always　anxiously　concerned　about　her。　If　Brangwen　drove　with　his
wife　to　Nottingham；　Anna　ran　about　happily　enough；　or
unconcerned；　for　a　long　time。　Then；　as　afternoon　came　on；　there
was　only　one　cry……〃I　want　my　mother；　I　want　my
mother〃　and　a　bitter；　pathetic　sobbing　that　soon
had　the　soft…hearted　Tilly　sobbing　too。　The　child's　anguish　was
that　her　mother　was　gone；　gone。

Yet　as　a　rule；　Anna　seemed　cold；　resenting　her　mother；
critical　of　her。　It　was：

〃I　don't　like　you　to　do　that；　mother；〃　or；　〃I　don't　like　you
to　say　that。〃　She　was　a　sore　p