首发偶发空缺 (临时空缺)-第72部分

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‘I　can’t；’　whispered　Gaia。

Andrew　left　her　there。　The　din　in　the　hall　hit　him　as　he　opened　the　inner　doors。　The　disco　was　in　full　swing。　He　had　to　move　aside　to　allow　Aubrey　and　Julia　Fawley　room　to　leave。　Both；　with　their　backs　to　the　party；　looked　grimly　pleased　to　be　going。

Samantha　Mollison　was　not　dancing；　but　was　leaning　up　against　the　trestle　table　where；　so　recently；　there　had　been　rows　and　rows　of　drinks。　While　Sukhvinder　rushed　around　collecting　glasses；　Andrew　unpacked　the　last　box　of　clean　ones；　set　them　out　and　filled　them。

‘Your　bow　tie’s　crooked；’　Samantha　told　him；　and　she　leaned　across　the　table　and　straightened　it　for　him。　Embarrassed；　he　ducked　into　the　kitchen　as　soon　as　she　let　go。　Between　each　load　of　glasses　he　put　in　the　dishwasher；　Andrew　took　another　swig　of　the　vodka　he　had　stolen。　He　wanted　to　be　drunk　like　Gaia；　he　wanted　to　return　to　that　moment　when　they　had　been　laughing　uncontrollably　together；　before　Fats　had　appeared。

After　ten　minutes；　he　checked　the　drinks　table　again；　Samantha　was　still　propped　up　against　it；　glassy…eyed；　and　there　were　plenty　of　fresh…poured　drinks　left　for　her　to　enjoy。　Howard　was　bobbing　in　the　middle　of　the　dance　floor；　sweat　pouring　down　his　face；　roaring　with　laughter　at　something　Maureen　had　said　to　him。　Andrew　wound　his　way　through　the　crowd　and　back　outside。

He　could　not　see　where　she　was　at　first：　then　he　spotted　them。　Gaia　and　Fats　were　locked　together　ten　yards　away　from　the　door；　leaning　up　against　the　railings；　bodies　pressed　tight　against　each　other；　tongues　working　in　each　other’s　mouths。

‘Look；　I’m　sorry；　but　I　can’t　do　it　all；’　said　Sukhvinder　desperately　from　behind　him。　Then　she　spotted　Fats　and　Gaia　and　let　out　something　between　a　yelp　and　a　sob。　Andrew　walked　back　into　the　hall　with　her；　pletely　numb。　In　the　kitchen；　he　poured　the　remainder　of　the　vodka　into　a　glass　and　downed　it　in　one。　Mechanically　he　filled　the　sink　and　set　to　washing　out　the　glasses　that　could　not　fit　in　the　dishwasher。

The　alcohol　was　not　like　dope。　It　made　him　feel　empty；　but　also　keen　to　hit　someone：　Fats；　for　instance。

After　a　while；　he　realized　that　the　plastic　clock　on　the　kitchen　wall　had　leapt　from　midnight　to　one　and　that　people　were　leaving。

He　was　supposed　to　find　coats。　He　tried　for　a　while；　but　then　lurched　off　to　the　kitchen　again；　leaving　Sukhvinder　in　charge。

Samantha　was　leaning　up　against　the　fridge；　on　her　own；　with　a　glass　in　her　hand。　Andrew’s　vision　was　strangely　jerky；　like　a　series　of　stills。　Gaia　had　not　e　back。　She　was　doubtless　long　gone　with　Fats。　Samantha　was　talking　to　him。　She　was　drunk　too。　He　was　not　embarrassed　by　her　any　more。　He　suspected　that　he　might　be　sick　quite　soon。

‘　…　hate　bloody　Pagford　…’　said　Samantha；　and；　‘but　you’re　young　enough　to　get　out。’

‘Yeah；’　he　said；　unable　to　feel　his　lips。　‘An’　I　will。　’Nigh　will。’

She　pushed　his　hair　off　his　forehead　and　called　him　sweet。　The　image　of　Gaia　with　her　tongue　in　Fats’　mouth　threatened　to　obliterate　everything。　He　could　smell　Samantha’s　perfume；　ing　in　waves　from　her　hot　skin。

‘That　band’s　shit；’　he　said；　pointing　at　her　chest；　but　he　did　not　think　she　heard　him。

Her　mouth　was　chapped　and　warm；　and　her　breasts　were　huge；　pressed　against　his　chest；　her　back　was　as　broad　as　his—

‘What　the　fuck？’

Andrew　was　slumped　against　the　draining　board　and　Samantha　was　being　dragged　out　of　the　kitchen　by　a　big　man　with　short　greying　hair。　Andrew　had　a　dim　idea　that　something　bad　had　happened；　but　the　strange　flickering　quality　of　reality　was　being　more　and　more　pronounced；　until　the　only　thing　to　do　was　to　stagger　across　the　room　to　the　bin　and　throw　up　again　and　again　and　again　…

‘Sorry；　you　can’t　e　in！’　he　heard　Sukhvinder　tell　someone。　‘Stuff　piled　up　against　the　door！’

He　tied　the　bin　bag　tightly　on　his　own　vomit。　Sukhvinder　helped　him　clear　the　kitchen。　He　needed　to　throw　up　twice　more；　but　both　times　managed　to　get　to　the　bathroom。

It　was　nearly　two　o’clock　by　the　time　Howard；　sweaty　but　smiling；　thanked　them　and　said　goodnight。

‘Very　good　work；’　he　said。　‘See　you　tomorrow；　then。　Very　good　…　where’s　Miss　Bawden；　by　the　way？’

Andrew　left　Sukhvinder　to　e　up　with　a　lie。　Out　in　the　street；　he　unchained　Simon’s　bicycle　and　wheeled　it　away　into　the　darkness。

The　long　cold　walk　back　to　Hilltop　House　cleared　his　head；　but　assuaged　neither　his　bitterness　nor　his　misery。

Had　he　ever　told　Fats　that　he　fancied　Gaia？　Maybe　not；　but　Fats　knew。　He　knew　that　Fats　knew　…　were　they；　perhaps；　shagging　right　now？

I’m　moving；　anyway；　Andrew　thought；　bent　over　and　shivering　as　he　pushed　the　bicycle　up　the　hill。　So　fuck　them　…

Then　he　thought：　I’d　better　be　moving　…　Had　he　just　snogged　Lexie　Mollison’s　mother？　Had　her　husband　walked　in　on　them？　Had　that　really　happened？

He　was　scared　of　Miles；　but　he　also　wanted　to　tell　Fats　about　it；　to　see　his　face　…

When　he　let　himself　into　the　house；　exhausted；　Simon’s　voice　came　out　of　the　darkness　from　the　kitchen。

‘Have　you　put　my　bike　in　the　garage？’

He　was　sitting　at　the　kitchen　table；　eating　a　bowl　of　cereal。　It　was　nearly　half…past　two　in　the　morning。

‘Couldn’t　sleep；’　said　Simon。

For　once；　he　was　not　angry。　Ruth　was　not　there；　so　he　did　not　have　to　prove　himself　bigger　or　smarter　than　his　sons。　He　seemed　weary　and　small。

‘Think　we’re　gonna　have　to　move　to　Reading；　Pizza　Face；’　said　Simon。　It　was　almost　a　term　of　endearment。

Shivering　slightly；　feeling　old　and　shell…shocked；　and　immensely　guilty；　Andrew　wanted　to　give　his　father　something　to　make　up　for　what　he　had　done。　It　was　time　to　redress　balances　and　claim　Simon　as　an　ally。　They　were　a　family。　They　had　to　move　together。　Perhaps　it　could　be　better；　somewhere　else。

‘I’ve　got　something　for　you；’　he　said。　‘e　through　here。　Found　out　how　to　do　it　at　school　…’

And　he　led　the　way　to　the　puter。

IV
A　misty　blue　sky　stretched　like　a　dome　over　Pagford　and　the　Fields。　Dawn　light　shone　upon　the　old　stone　war　memorial　in　the　Square；　on　the　cracked　concrete　fa？ades　of　Foley　Road；　and　turned　the　white　walls　of　Hilltop　House　pale　gold。　As　Ruth　Price　climbed　into　her　car　ready　for　another　long　shift　at　the　hospital；　she　looked　down　at　the　River　Orr；　shining　like　a　silver　ribbon　in　the　distance；　and　felt　how　pletely　unjust　it　was　that　somebody　else　would　soon　have　her　house　and　her　view。

A　mile　below；　in　Church　Row；　Samantha　Mollison　was　still　sound　asleep　in　the　spare　bedroom。　There　was　no　lock　on　the　door；　but　she　had　barricaded　it　with　an　armchair　before　collapsing；　semi…dressed；　onto　the　bed。　The　beginnings　of　a　vicious　headache　disturbed　her　slumber；　and　the　sliver　of　sunshine　that　had　perated　the　gap　in　the　curtains　fell　like　a　laser　beam　across　the　corner　of　one　eye。　She　twitched　a　little；　in　the　depths　of　her　dry…mouthed；　anxious　half…sleep；　and　her　dreams　were　guilty　and　strange。

Downstairs；　among　the　clean；　bright　surfaces　of　the　kitchen；　Miles　sat　bolt　upright　and　alone　with　an　untouched　mug　of　tea　in　front　of　him；　staring　at　the　fridge；　and　stumbling　again；　in　his　mind’s　eye；　upon　his　drunken　wife　locked　in　the　embrace　of　a　sixteen…year…old　schoolboy。

Howard　Mollison　was　sleeping　soundly　and　happily　in　his　double　bed。　The　patterned　curtains　dappled　him　with　pink　petals　and　protected　him　from　a　rude　awakening；　but　his　rattling　wheezing　snores　had　roused　his　wife。　Shirley　was　eating　toast　and　drinking　coffee　in　the　kitchen；　wearing　her　glasses　and　her　candlewick　dressing　gown。　She　visualized　Maureen　swaying　arm　in　arm　with　her　husband　in　the　village　hall　and　experienced　a　concentrated　loathing　that　took　the　taste　from　every　mouthful。

In　the　Smithy；　a　few　miles　outside　Pagford；　Gavin　Hughes　soaped　himself　under　a　hot　shower　and　wondered　why　he　had　never　had　the　courage　of　other　men；　and　how　they　managed　to　make　the　right　choices　among　almost　infinite　alternatives。　There　was　a　yearning　inside　him　for　a　life　he　had　glimpsed　but　never　tasted；　yet　he　was　afraid。　Choice　was　dangerous：　you　had　to　forgo　all　other　possibilities　when　you　chose。

Kay　Bawden　was　lying　awake　and　exhausted　in　bed　in　Hope　Street；　listening　to　the　early　morning　quiet　of　Pagford　and　watching　Gaia；　who　was　asleep　beside　her　in　the　double　bed；　pale　and　drained　in　the　early　daylight。　There　was　a　bucket　next　to　Gaia　on　the　floor；　placed　there　by　Kay；　who　had　half　carried　her　daughter　from　bathroom　to　bedroom　in　the　early　hours；　after　holding　her　hair　out　of　the　toilet　for　an　hour。

‘Why　did　you　make　us　e　here？’　Gaia　had　wailed；　as　she　choked　and　retched　over　the　bowl。　‘Get　off　me。　Get　off。　I　fuck　–　I　hate　you。’

Kay　watched　the　sleeping　face　and　recalled　the　beautiful　little　baby　who　had　slept　beside　her；　sixteen　years　ago。　She　remembered　the　tears　that　Gaia　had　shed　when　Kay　had　split　up　with　Steve；　her　live…in　partner　of　eight　years。　Steve　had　attended　Gaia’s　parents’　evenings　and　taught　her　to　ride　a　bicycle。　Kay　remembered　the　fantasy　she　had　nurtured　（with　hindsight；　as　silly　as　four…year…old　Gaia’s　wish　for　a　unicorn）　that　she　would　settle　down　with　Gavin　and　give　Gaia；　at　last；　a　permanent　stepfather；　and　a　beautiful　house　in　the　country。　How　desperate　she　had　been　for　a　storybook　ending；　and　a　life　to　which　Gaia　would　always　want　to　return；　because　her　daughter’s　departure　was　hurtling　towards　Kay　like　a　meteorite；　and　she　foresaw　the　loss　of　Gaia　as　a　calamity　that　would　shatter　her　world。

Kay　reached　out　a　hand　beneath　the　duvet　and　held　Gaia’s。　The　feel　of　the　warm　flesh　that　she　had　accidentally　brought　into　the　world　made　Kay　start　to　weep；　quietly；　but　so　violently　that　the　mattress　shook。

And　at　the　bottom　of　Church　Row；　Parminder　Jawanda　slipped　a　coat　on　over　her　nightdress　and　took　her　coffee　into　the　back　garden。　Sitting　in　the　chilly　sunlight　on　a　wooden　bench；　she　saw　that　it　was　promising　to　be　a　beautiful　day；　but　there　seemed　to　be　a　blockage　between　her　eyes　and　her　heart。　The　heavy　weight　on　her　chest　deadened　everything。

The　news　that　Miles　Mollison　had　won　Barry’s　seat　on　the　Parish　Council　had　not　been　a　surprise；　but　on　seeing　Shirley’s　neat　little　announcement　on　the　website；　she　had　known　another　flicker　of　that　madness　that　had　overtaken　her　at　the　last　meeting：　a　desire　to　attack；　superseded　almost　at　once　by　stifling　hopelessness。

‘I’m　going　to　resign　from　the　council；’　she　told　Vikram。　‘What’s　the　point？’

‘But　you　like　it；’　he　had　said。

She　had　liked　it　when　Barry　had　been　there　too。　It　was　easy　to　conjure　him　up　this　morning；　when　everything　was　quiet　and　still。　A　little；　ginger…bearded　man；　she　had　been　taller　than　him　by　half　a　head。　She　had　never　felt　the　slightest　physical　attraction　towards　him。　What　was　love；　after　all？　thought　Parminder；　as　a　gentle　breeze　ruffled　the　tall　hedge　of　leyland　cypresses　that　enclosed　the　Jawandas’　big　back　lawn。　Was　it　love　when　somebody　filled　a　space　in　your　life　that　yawned　inside　you；　once　they　had　gone？

I　did　love　laughing；　thought　Parminder。　I　really　miss　laughing。

And　it　was　the　memory　of　laughter　that；　at　last；　made　the　tears　flow　from　her　eyes。　They　trickled　down　her　nose　and　into　her　coffee；　where　they　made　little　bullet　holes；　swiftly　erased。　She　was　crying　becaus