little dorrit-信丽(英文版)-第138部分

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He　told　me　I　did　not　do　myself　justice。　I　told　him　I　did；　and　it　was
because　I　did　and　meant　to　do　so　to　the　last；　that　I　would　not　stoop　to
propitiate　any　of　them。　He　was　concerned　and　even　shocked；　when　I　added
that　I　wished　he　would　not　parade　his　attachment　before　them；　but　he
said　he　would　sacrifice　even　the　honest　impulses　of　his　affection　to　my
peace。

Under　that　pretence　he　began　to　retort　upon　me。　By　the　hour　together；　he
would　keep　at　a　distance　from　me；　talking　to　any　one　rather　than　to　me。
I　have　sat　alone　and　unnoticed；　half　an　evening；　while　he　conversed　with
his　young　cousin；　my　pupil。　I　have　seen　all　the　while；　in　people's　eyes；
that　they　thought　the　two　looked　nearer　on　an　equality　than　he　and　I。
I　have　sat；　divining　their　thoughts；　until　I　have　felt　that　his　young
appearance　made　me　ridiculous；　and　have　raged　against　myself　for　ever
loving　him。

For　I　did　love　him　once。　Undeserving　as　he　was；　and　little　as　he　thought
of　all　these　agonies　that　it　cost　me……agonies　which　should　have　made　him
wholly　and　gratefully　mine　to　his　life's　end……I　loved　him。　I　bore　with
his　cousin's　praising　him　to　my　face；　and　with　her　pretending　to　think
that　it　pleased　me；　but　full　well　knowing　that　it　rankled　in　my　breast；
for　his　sake。　While　I　have　sat　in　his　presence　recalling　all　my　slights
and　wrongs；　and　deliberating　whether　I　should　not　fly　from　the　house　at
once　and　never　see　him　again……I　have　loved　him。

His　aunt　（my　Mistress　you　will　please　to　remember）　deliberately；
wilfully；　added　to　my　trials　and　vexations。　It　was　her　delight　to
expatiate　on　the　style　in　which　we　were　to　live　in　India；　and　on　the
establishment　we　should　keep；　and　the　pany　we　should　entertain　when
he　got　his　advancement。　My　pride　rose　against　this　barefaced　way　of
pointing　out　the　contrast　my　married　life　was　to　present　to　my　then
dependent　and　inferior　position。　I　suppressed　my　indignation；　but　I
showed　her　that　her　intention　was　not　lost　upon　me；　and　I　repaid　her
annoyance　by　affecting　humility。　What　she　described　would　surely　be
a　great　deal　too　much　honour　for　me；　I　would　tell　her。　I　was　afraid
I　might　not　be　able　to　support　so　great　a　change。　Think　of　a　mere
governess；　her　daughter's　governess；　ing　to　that　high　distinction！　It
made　her　uneasy；　and　made　them　all　uneasy；　when　I　answered　in　this　way。
They　knew　that　I　fully　understood　her。

It　was　at　the　time　when　my　troubles　were　at　their　highest；　and　when
I　was　most　incensed　against　my　lover　for　his　ingratitude　in　caring　as
little　as　he　did　for　the　innumerable　distresses　and　mortifications　I
underwent　on　his　account；　that　your　dear　friend；　Mr　Gowan；　appeared
at　the　house。　He　had　been　intimate　there　for　a　long　time；　but　had　been
abroad。　He　understood　the　state　of　things　at　a　glance；　and　he　understood
me。

He　was　the　first　person　I　had　ever　seen　in　my　life　who　had　understood
me。　He　was　not　in　the　house　three　times　before　I　knew　that　he
acpanied　every　movement　of　my　mind。　In　his　coldly　easy　way　with　all
of　them；　and　with　me；　and　with　the　whole　subject；　I　saw　it　clearly。
In　his　light　protestations　of　admiration　of　my　future　husband；　in　his
enthusiasm　regarding　our　engagement　and　our　prospects；　in　his　hopeful
congratulations　on　our　future　wealth　and　his　despondent　references　to
his　own　poverty……all　equally　hollow；　and　jesting；　and　full　of　mockery……I
saw　it　clearly。　He　made　me　feel　more　and　more　resentful；　and　more　and
more　contemptible；　by　always　presenting　to　me　everything　that　surrounded
me　with　some　new　hateful　light　upon　it；　while　he　pretended　to　exhibit
it　in　its　best　aspect　for　my　admiration　and　his　own。　He　was　like　the
dressed…up　Death　in　the　Dutch　series；　whatever　figure　he　took　upon　his
arm；　whether　it　was　youth　or　age；　beauty　or　ugliness；　whether　he　danced
with　it；　sang　with　it；　played　with　it；　or　prayed　with　it；　he　made　it
ghastly。

You　will　understand；　then；　that　when　your　dear　friend　plimented　me；
he　really　condoled　with　me；　that　when　he　soothed　me　under　my　vexations；
he　laid　bare　every　smarting　wound　I　had；　that　when　he　declared　my
'faithful　swain'　to　be　'the　most　loving　young　fellow　in　the　world；　with
the　tenderest　heart　that　ever　beat；'　he　touched　my　old　misgiving　that
I　was　made　ridiculous。　These　were　not　great　services；　you　may　say。　They
were　acceptable　to　me；　because　they　echoed　my　own　mind；　and　confirmed
my　own　knowledge。　I　soon　began　to　like　the　society　of　your　dear　friend
better　than　any　other。

When　I　perceived　（which　I　did；　almost　as　soon）　that　jealousy　was　growing
out　of　this；　I　liked　this　society　still　better。　Had　I　not　been　subject
to　jealousy；　and　were　the　endurances　to　be　all　mine？　No。　Let　him　know
what　it　was！　I　was　delighted　that　he　should　know　it；　I　was　delighted
that　he　should　feel　keenly；　and　I　hoped　he　did。

More　than　that。　He　was　tame　in　parison　with　Mr　Gowan；　who　knew　how
to　address　me　on　equal　terms；　and　how　to　anatomise　the　wretched　people
around　us。

This　went　on；　until　the　aunt；　my　Mistress；　took　it　upon　herself　to　speak
to　me。　It　was　scarcely　worth　alluding　to；　she　knew　I　meant　nothing；　but
she　suggested　from　herself；　knowing　it　was　only　necessary　to　suggest；
that　it　might　be　better　if　I　were　a　little　less　panionable　with　Mr
Gowan。

I　asked　her　how　she　could　answer　for　what　I　meant？　She　could　always
answer；　she　replied；　for　my　meaning　nothing　wrong。　I　thanked　her；
but　said　I　would　prefer　to　answer　for　myself　and　to　myself。　Her　other
servants　would　probably　be　grateful　for　good　characters；　but　I　wanted
none。

Other　conversation　followed；　and　induced　me　to　ask　her　how　she　knew　that
it　was　only　necessary　for　her　to　make　a　suggestion　to　me；　to　have　it
obeyed？　Did　she　presume　on　my　birth；　or　on　my　hire？　I　was　not　bought；
body　and　soul。　She　seemed　to　think　that　her　distinguished　nephew　had
gone　into　a　slave…market　and　purchased　a　wife。

It　would　probably　have　e；　sooner　or　later；　to　the　end　to　which　it　did
e；　but　she　brought　it　to　its　issue　at　once。　She　told　me；　with　assumed
miseration；　that　I　had　an　unhappy　temper。　On　this　repetition　of　the
old　wicked　injury；　I　withheld　no　longer；　but　exposed　to　her　all　I　had
known　of　her　and　seen　in　her；　and　all　I　had　undergone　within　myself
since　I　had　occupied　the　despicable　position　of　being　engaged　to　her
nephew。　I　told　her　that　Mr　Gowan　was　the　only　relief　I　had　had　in　my
degradation；　that　I　had　borne　it　too　long；　and　that　I　shook　it　off　too
late；　but　that　I　would　see　none　of　them　more。　And　I　never　did。　Your　dear
friend　followed　me　to　my　retreat；　and　was　very　droll　on　the　severance　of
the　connection；　though　he　was　sorry；　too；　for　the　excellent　people
（in　their　way　the　best　he　had　ever　met）；　and　deplored　the　necessity　of
breaking　mere　house…flies　on　the　wheel。　He　protested　before　long；　and
far　more　truly　than　I　then　supposed；　that　he　was　not　worth　acceptance
by　a　woman　of　such　endowments；　and　such　power　of　character；　but……well；
well……！

Your　dear　friend　amused　me　and　amused　himself　as　long　as　it　suited
his　inclinations；　and　then　reminded　me　that　we　were　both　people　of　the
world；　that　we　both　understood　mankind；　that　we　both　knew　there　was　no
such　thing　as　romance；　that　we　were　both　prepared　for　going　different
ways　to　seek　our　fortunes　like　people　of　sense；　and　that　we　both　foresaw
that　whenever　we　encountered　one　another　again　we　should　meet　as　the
best　friends　on　earth。　So　he　said；　and　I　did　not　contradict　him。

It　was　not　very　long　before　I　found　that　he　was　courting　his　present
wife；　and　that　she　had　been　taken　away　to　be　out　of　his　reach。　I　hated
her　then；　quite　as　much　as　I　hate　her　now；　and　naturally；　therefore；
could　desire　nothing　better　than　that　she　should　marry　him。　But　I　was
restlessly　curious　to　look　at　her……so　curious　that　I　felt　it　to　be　one
of　the　few　sources　of　entertainment　left　to　me。　I　travelled　a　little：
travelled　until　I　found　myself　in　her　society；　and　in　yours。　Your　dear
friend；　I　think；　was　not　known　to　you　then；　and　had　not　given　you　any　of
those　signal　marks　of　his　friendship　which　he　has　bestowed　upon　you。

In　that　pany　I　found　a　girl；　in　various　circumstances　of　whose
position　there　was　a　singular　likeness　to　my　own；　and　in　whose　character
I　was　interested　and　pleased　to　see　much　of　the　rising　against　swollen
patronage　and　selfishness；　calling　themselves　kindness；　protection；
benevolence；　and　other　fine　names；　which　I　have　described　as　inherent　in
my　nature。　I　often　heard　it　said；　too；　that　she　had　'an　unhappy　temper。'
Well　understanding　what　was　meant　by　the　convenient　phrase；　and　wanting
a　panion　with　a　knowledge　of　what　I　knew；　I　thought　I　would　try　to
release　the　girl　from　her　bondage　and　sense　of　injustice。　I　have　no
occasion　to　relate　that　I　succeeded。

We　have　been　together　ever　since；　sharing　my　small　means。




CHAPTER　22。　Who　passes　by　this　Road　so　late？


Arthur　Clennam　had　made　his　unavailing　expedition　to　Calais　in　the　midst
of　a　great　pressure　of　business。　A　certain　barbaric　Power　with　valuable
possessions　on　the　map　of　the　world；　had　occasion　for　the　services　of
one　or　two　engineers；　quick　in　invention　and　determined　in　execution：
practical　men；　who　could　make　the　men　and　means　their　ingenuity
perceived　to　be　wanted　out　of　the　best　materials　they　could　find
at　hand；　and　who　were　as　bold　and　fertile　in　the　adaptation　of　such
materials　to　their　purpose；　as　in　the　conception　of　their　purpose
itself。　This　Power；　being　a　barbaric　one；　had　no　idea　of　stowing　away
a　great　national　object　in　a　Circumlocution　Office；　as　strong　wine　is
hidden　from　the　light　in　a　cellar　until　its　fire　and　youth　are　gone；
and　the　labourers　who　worked　in　the　vineyard　and　pressed　the　grapes　are
dust。　With　characteristic　ignorance；　it　acted　on　the　most　decided　and
energetic　notions　of　How　to　do　it；　and　never　showed　the　least　respect
for；　or　gave　any　quarter　to；　the　great　political　science；　How　not　to　do
it。　Indeed　it　had　a　barbarous　way　of　striking　the　latter　art　and　mystery
dead；　in　the　person　of　any　enlightened　subject　who　practised　it。

Accordingly；　the　men　who　were　wanted　were　sought　out　and　found；　which
was　in　itself　a　most　uncivilised　and　irregular　way　of　proceeding。　Being
found；　they　were　treated　with　great　confidence　and　honour　（which　again
showed　dense　political　ignorance）；　and　were　invited　to　e　at　once　and
do　what　they　had　to　do。　In　short；　they　were　regarded　as　men　who　meant　to
do　it；　engaging　with　other　men　who　meant　it　to　be　done。

Daniel　Doyce　was　one　of　the　chosen。　There　was　no　foreseeing　at　that　time
whether　he　would　be　absent　months　or　years。　The　preparations　for　his
departure；　and　the　conscientious　arrangement　for　him　of　all　the　details
and　results　of　their　joint　business；　had　necessitated　labour　within　a
short　pass　of　time；　which　had　occupied　Clennam　day　and　night。　He
had　slipped　across　the　water　in　his　first　leisure；　and　had　slipped　as
quickly　back　again　for　his　farewell　interview　with　Doyce。

Him　Arthur　now　showed；　with　pains　and　care；　the　state　of　their　gains　and
losses；　responsibilities　and　prospects。　Daniel　went　through　it　all
in　his　patient　manner；　and　admired　it　all　exceedingly。　He　audited　the
accounts；　as　if　they　were　a　far　more　ingenious　piece　of　mechanism　than
he　had　ever　constructed；　and　afterwards　stood　looking　at　them；