little dorrit-信丽(英文版)-第137部分

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and　did　distribute　pretty　looks　and　smiles　to　every　one　among　them。　I
believe　there　was　not　a　soul　in　the　place；　except　myself；　who　knew　that
she　did　it　purposely　to　wound　and　gall　me！

Nevertheless；　I　so　loved　that　unworthy　girl　that　my　life　was　made　stormy
by　my　fondness　for　her。　I　was　constantly　lectured　and　disgraced　for　what
was　called　'trying　her；'　in　other　words　charging　her　with　her　little
perfidy　and　throwing　her　into　tears　by　showing　her　that　I　read　her
heart。　However；　I　loved　her　faithfully；　and　one　time　I　went　home　with
her　for　the　holidays。

She　was　worse　at　home　than　she　had　been　at　school。　She　had　a　crowd　of
cousins　and　acquaintances；　and　we　had　dances　at　her　house；　and　went　out
to　dances　at　other　houses；　and；　both　at　home　and　out；　she　tormented　my
love　beyond　endurance。　Her　plan　was；　to　make　them　all　fond　of　her……and
so　drive　me　wild　with　jealousy。　To　be　familiar　and　endearing　with　them
all……and　so　make　me　mad　with　envying　them。　When　we　were　left　alone　in
our　bedroom　at　night；　I　would　reproach　her　with　my　perfect　knowledge　of
her　baseness；　and　then　she　would　cry　and　cry　and　say　I　was　cruel；　and
then　I　would　hold　her　in　my　arms　till　morning：　loving　her　as　much　as
ever；　and　often　feeling　as　if；　rather　than　suffer　so；　I　could　so　hold
her　in　my　arms　and　plunge　to　the　bottom　of　a　river……where　I　would　still
hold　her　after　we　were　both　dead。

It　came　to　an　end；　and　I　was　relieved。　In　the　family　there　was　an　aunt
who　was　not　fond　of　me。　I　doubt　if　any　of　the　family　liked　me　much；　but
I　never　wanted　them　to　like　me；　being　altogether　bound　up　in　the　one
girl。　The　aunt　was　a　young　woman；　and　she　had　a　serious　way　with　her
eyes　of　watching　me。　She　was　an　audacious　woman；　and　openly　looked
passionately　at　me。　After　one　of　the　nights　that　I　have　spoken　of；　I
came　down　into　a　greenhouse　before　breakfast。　Charlotte　（the　name　of
my　false　young　friend）　had　gone　down　before　me；　and　I　heard　this　aunt
speaking　to　her　about　me　as　I　entered。　I　stopped　where　I　was；　among　the
leaves；　and　listened。

The　aunt　said；　'Charlotte；　Miss　Wade　is　wearing　you　to　death；　and　this
must　not　continue。'　I　repeat　the　very　words　I　heard。

Now；　what　did　she　answer？　Did　she　say；　'It　is　I　who　am　wearing　her　to
death；　I　who　am　keeping　her　on　a　rack　and　am　the　executioner；　yet　she
tells　me　every　night　that　she　loves　me　devotedly；　though　she　knows　what
I　make　her　undergo？'　No；　my　first　memorable　experience　was　true　to
what　I　knew　her　to　be；　and　to　all　my　experience。　She　began　sobbing　and
weeping　（to　secure　the　aunt's　sympathy　to　herself）；　and　said；　'Dear
aunt；　she　has　an　unhappy　temper；　other　girls　at　school；　besides　I；　try
hard　to　make　it　better；　we　all　try　hard。'

Upon　that　the　aunt　fondled　her；　as　if　she　had　said　something　noble
instead　of　despicable　and　false；　and　kept　up　the　infamous　pretence　by
replying；　'But　there　are　reasonable　limits；　my　dear　love；　to　everything；
and　I　see　that　this　poor　miserable　girl　causes　you　more　constant　and
useless　distress　than　even　so　good　an　effort　justifies。'

The　poor　miserable　girl　came　out　of　her　concealment；　as　you　may　be
prepared　to　hear；　and　said；　'Send　me　home。'　I　never　said　another　word
to　either　of　them；　or　to　any　of　them；　but　'Send　me　home；　or　I　will
walk　home　alone；　night　and　day！'　When　I　got　home；　I　told　my　supposed
grandmother　that；　unless　I　was　sent　away　to　finish　my　education
somewhere　else　before　that　girl　came　back；　or　before　any　one　of　them
came　back；　I　would　burn　my　sight　away　by　throwing　myself　into　the　fire；
rather　than　I　would　endure　to　look　at　their　plotting　faces。

I　went　among　young　women　next；　and　I　found　them　no　better。　Fair
words　and　fair　pretences；　but　I　perated　below　those　assertions　of
themselves　and　depreciations　of　me；　and　they　were　no　better。　Before
I　left　them；　I　learned　that　I　had　no　grandmother　and　no　recognised
relation。　I　carried　the　light　of　that　information　both　into　my　past
and　into　my　future。　It　showed　me　many　new　occasions　on　which　people
triumphed　over　me；　when　they　made　a　pretence　of　treating　me　with
consideration；　or　doing　me　a　service。

A　man　of　business　had　a　small　property　in　trust　for　me。　I　was　to　be
a　governess；　I　became　a　governess；　and　went　into　the　family　of　a　poor
nobleman；　where　there　were　two　daughters……little　children；　but　the
parents　wished　them　to　grow　up；　if　possible；　under　one　instructress。　The
mother　was　young　and　pretty。　From　the　first；　she　made　a　show　of　behaving
to　me　with　great　delicacy。　I　kept　my　resentment　to　myself；　but　I　knew
very　well　that　it　was　her　way　of　petting　the　knowledge　that　she　was　my
Mistress；　and　might　have　behaved　differently　to　her　servant　if　it　had
been　her　fancy。


I　say　I　did　not　resent　it；　nor　did　I；　but　I　showed　her；　by　not
gratifying　her；　that　I　understood　her。　When　she　pressed　me　to　take　wine；
I　took　water。　If　there　happened　to　be　anything　choice　at　table；　she
always　sent　it　to　me：　but　I　always　declined　it；　and　ate　of　the　rejected
dishes。　These　disappointments　of　her　patronage　were　a　sharp　retort；　and
made　me　feel　independent。

I　liked　the　children。　They　were　timid；　but　on　the　whole　disposed　to
attach　themselves　to　me。　There　was　a　nurse；　however；　in　the　house；　a
rosy…faced　woman　always　making　an　obtrusive　pretence　of　being　gay　and
good…humoured；　who　had　nursed　them　both；　and　who　had　secured　their
affections　before　I　saw　them。　I　could　almost　have　settled　down　to　my
fate　but　for　this　woman。　Her　artful　devices　for　keeping　herself　before
the　children　in　constant　petition　with　me；　might　have　blinded　many
in　my　place；　but　I　saw　through　them　from　the　first。　On　the　pretext　of
arranging　my　rooms　and　waiting　on　me　and　taking　care　of　my　wardrobe　（all
of　which　she　did　busily）；　she　was　never　absent。　The　most　crafty　of　her
many　subtleties　was　her　feint　of　seeking　to　make　the　children　fonder　of
me。　She　would　lead　them　to　me　and　coax　them　to　me。　'e　to　good　Miss
Wade；　e　to　dear　Miss　Wade；　e　to　pretty　Miss　Wade。　She　loves　you
very　much。　Miss　Wade　is　a　clever　lady；　who　has　read　heaps　of　books；　and
can　tell　you　far　better　and　more　interesting　stories　than　I　know。　e
and　hear　Miss　Wade！'　How　could　I　engage　their　attentions；　when　my　heart
was　burning　against　these　ignorant　designs？　How　could　I　wonder；　when　I
saw　their　innocent　faces　shrinking　away；　and　their　arms　twining　round
her　neck；　instead　of　mine？　Then　she　would　look　up　at　me；　shaking　their
curls　from　her　face；　and　say；　'They'll　e　round　soon；　Miss　Wade；
they're　very　simple　and　loving；　ma'am；　don't　be　at　all　cast　down　about
it；　ma'am'……exulting　over　me！

There　was　another　thing　the　woman　did。　At　times；　when　she　saw　that　she
had　safely　plunged　me　into　a　black　despondent　brooding　by　these　means；
she　would　call　the　attention　of　the　children　to　it；　and　would　show　them
the　difference　between　herself　and　me。　'Hush！　Poor　Miss　Wade　is　not
well。　Don't　make　a　noise；　my　dears；　her　head　aches。　e　and　fort
her。　e　and　ask　her　if　she　is　better；　e　and　ask　her　to　lie　down。　I
hope　you　have　nothing　on　your　mind；　ma'am。　Don't　take　on；　ma'am；　and　be
sorry！'

It　became　intolerable。　Her　ladyship；　my　Mistress；　ing　in　one　day　when
I　was　alone；　and　at　the　height　of　feeling　that　I　could　support　it　no
longer；　I　told　her　I　must　go。　I　could　not　bear　the　presence　of　that
woman　Dawes。

'Miss　Wade！　Poor　Dawes　is　devoted　to　you；　would　do　anything　for　you！'

I　knew　beforehand　she　would　say　so；　I　was　quite　prepared　for　it；　I　only
answered；　it　was　not　for　me　to　contradict　my　Mistress；　I　must　go。

'I　hope；　Miss　Wade；'　she　returned；　instantly　assuming　the　tone　of
superiority　she　had　always　so　thinly　concealed；　'that　nothing　I　have
ever　said　or　done　since　we　have　been　together；　has　justified　your　use　of
that　disagreeable　word；　〃Mistress。〃　It　must　have　been　wholly　inadvertent
on　my　part。　Pray　tell　me　what　it　is。'

I　replied　that　I　had　no　plaint　to　make；　either　of　my　Mistress　or　to
my　Mistress；　but　I　must　go。

She　hesitated　a　moment；　and　then　sat　down　beside　me；　and　laid　her　hand
on　mine。　As　if　that　honour　would　obliterate　any　remembrance！

'Miss　Wade；　I　fear　you　are　unhappy；　through　causes　over　which　I　have　no
influence。'

I　smiled；　thinking　of　the　experience　the　word　awakened；　and　said；　'I
have　an　unhappy　temper；　I　suppose。'　'I　did　not　say　that。'

'It　is　an　easy　way　of　accounting　for　anything；'　said　I。

'It　may　be；　but　I　did　not　say　so。　What　I　wish　to　approach　is　something
very　different。　My　husband　and　I　have　exchanged　some　remarks　upon　the
subject；　when　we　have　observed　with　pain　that　you　have　not　been　easy
with　us。'

'Easy？　Oh！　You　are　such　great　people；　my　lady；'　said　I。

'I　am　unfortunate　in　using　a　word　which　may　convey　a　meaning……and
evidently　does……quite　opposite　to　my　intention。'　（She　had　not　expected
my　reply；　and　it　shamed　her。）　'I　only　mean；　not　happy　with　us。　It　is
a　difficult　topic　to　enter　on；　but；　from　one　young　woman　to　another；
perhaps……in　short；　we　have　been　apprehensive　that　you　may　allow　some
family　circumstances　of　which　no　one　can　be　more　innocent　than　yourself；
to　prey　upon　your　spirits。　If　so；　let　us　entreat　you　not　to　make　them
a　cause　of　grief。　My　husband　himself；　as　is　well　known；　formerly　had　a
very　dear　sister　who　was　not　in　law　his　sister；　but　who　was　universally
beloved　and　respected。

I　saw　directly　that　they　had　taken　me　in　for　the　sake　of　the　dead　woman；
whoever　she　was；　and　to　have　that　boast　of　me　and　advantage　of　me；　I
saw；　in　the　nurse's　knowledge　of　it；　an　encouragement　to　goad　me　as
she　had　done；　and　I　saw；　in　the　children's　shrinking　away；　a　vague
impression；　that　I　was　not　like　other　people。　I　left　that　house　that
night。

After　one　or　two　short　and　very　similar　experiences；　which　are　not　to
the　present　purpose；　I　entered　another　family　where　I　had　but　one　pupil：
a　girl　of　fifteen；　who　was　the　only　daughter。　The　parents　here　were
elderly　people：　people　of　station；　and　rich。　A　nephew　whom　they　had
brought　up　was　a　frequent　visitor　at　the　house；　among　many　other
visitors；　and　he　began　to　pay　me　attention。

I　was　resolute　in　repulsing　him；　for　I　had　determined　when　I　went
there；　that　no　one　should　pity　me　or　condescend　to　me。　But　he　wrote　me　a
letter。　It　led　to　our　being　engaged　to　be　married。

He　was　a　year　younger　than　I；　and　young…looking　even　when　that　allowance
was　made。　He　was　on　absence　from　India；　where　he　had　a　post　that　was
soon　to　grow　into　a　very　good　one。　In　six　months　we　were　to　be　married；
and　were　to　go　to　India。　I　was　to　stay　in　the　house；　and　was　to　be
married　from　the　house。　Nobody　objected　to　any　part　of　the　plan。

I　cannot　avoid　saying　he　admired　me；　but；　if　I　could；　I　would。　Vanity
has　nothing　to　do　with　the　declaration；　for　his　admiration　worried　me。
He　took　no　pains　to　hide　it；　and　caused　me　to　feel　among　the　rich　people
as　if　he　had　bought　me　for　my　looks；　and　made　a　show　of　his　purchase　to
justify　himself。　They　appraised　me　in　their　own　minds；　I　saw；　and　were
curious　to　ascertain　what　my　full　value　was。　I　resolved　that　they
should　not　know。　I　was　immovable　and　silent　before　them；　and　would　have
suffered　any　one　of　them　to　kill　me　sooner　than　I　would　have　laid　myself
out　to　bespeak　their　approval。

He　told　me　I　did　not　do　myself　justice。　I　told　him　I　did；　and　it　was
because　I　did　and　meant　to　do