the hunger games-饥饿游戏(英文版)-第48部分

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¨I　havenˇt　had　the　chance；〃　says　Peeta　with　a　slight　shrug。
¨Itˇs　my　fault；〃　I　say。　¨Because　I　used　that　tourniquet。〃
¨Yes；　itˇs　your　fault　Iˇm　alive；〃　says　Peeta。
¨Heˇs　right；〃　says　Caesar。　¨Heˇd　have　bled　to　death　for　sure　without　it。〃
I　guess　this　is　true；　but　I　canˇt　help　feeling　upset　about　it　to　the　extent　that　Iˇm　afraid　I　might　cry　and　then　I　remember　everyone　in　the　country　is　watching　me　so　I　just　bury　my　face　in　Peetaˇs　shirt。　It　takes　them　a　couple　of　minutes　to　coax　me　back　out　because　itˇs　better　in　the　shirt；　where　no　one　can　see　me；　and　when　I　do　e　out；　Caesar　backs　off　questioning　me　so　I　can　recover。　In　fact；　he　pretty　much　leaves　me　alone　until　the　berries　e　up。
¨Katniss；　I　know　youˇve　had　a　shock；　but　Iˇve　got　to　ask。　The　moment　when　you　pulled　out　those　berries。　What　was　going　on　in　your　mind　。　。　。　hm？〃　he　says。
I　take　a　long　pause　before　I　answer；　trying　to　collect　my　thoughts。　This　is　the　crucial　moment　where　I　either　challenged　the　Capitol　or　went　so　crazy　at　the　idea　of　losing　Peeta　that　I　canˇt　be　held　responsible　for　my　actions。　It　seems　to　call　for　a　big；　dramatic　speech；　but　all　I　get　out　is　one　almost　inaudible　sentence。　¨I　donˇt　know；　I　just　。　。　。　couldnˇt　bear　the　thought　of　。　。　。　being　without　him。〃
¨Peeta？　Anything　to　add？〃　asks　Caesar。
¨No。　I　think　that　goes　for　both　of　us；〃　he　says。
Caesar　signs　off　and　itˇs　over。　Everyoneˇs　laughing　and　crying　and　hugging；　but　Iˇm　still　not　sure　until　I　reach　Haymitch。　¨Okay？〃　I　whisper。
¨Perfect；〃　he　answers。
I　go　back　to　my　room　to　collect　a　few　things　and　find　thereˇs　nothing　to　take　but　the　mockingjay　pin　Madge　gave　me。　Someone　returned　it　to　my　room　after　the　Games。　They　drive　us　through　the　streets　in　a　car　with　blackened　windows；　and　the　trainˇs　waiting　for　us。　We　barely　have　time　to　say　good…bye　to　Cinna　and　Portia；　although　weˇll　see　them　in　a　few　months；　when　we　tour　the　districts　for　a　round　of　victory　ceremonies。　Itˇs　the　Capitolˇs　way　of　reminding　people　that　the　Hunger　Games　never　really　go　away。　Weˇll　be　given　a　lot　of　useless　plaques；　and　everyone　will　have　to　pretend　they　love　us。
The　train　begins　moving　and　weˇre　plunged　into　night　until　we　clear　the　tunnel　and　I　take　my　first　free　breath　since　the　reaping。　Effie　is　acpanying　us　back　and　Haymitch；　too；　of　course。　We　eat　an　enormous　dinner　and　settle　into　silence　in　front　of　the　television　to　watch　a　replay　of　the　interview。　With　the　Capitol　growing　farther　away　every　second；　I　begin　to　think　of　home。　Of　Prim　and　my　mother。　Of　Gale。　I　excuse　myself　to　change　out　of　my　dress　and　into　a　plain　shirt　and　pants。　As　I　slowly；　thoroughly　wash　the　makeup　from　my　face　and　put　my　hair　in　its　braid；　I　begin　transforming　back　into　myself。　Katniss　Everdeen。　A　girl　who　lives　in　the　Seam。　Hunts　in　the　woods。　Trades　in　the　Hob。　I　stare　in　the　mirror　as　I　try　to　remember　who　I　am　and　who　I　am　not。　By　the　time　I　join　theothers；　the　pressure　of　Peetaˇs　arm　around　my　shoulders　feels　alien。
When　the　train　makes　a　brief　stop　for　fuel；　weˇre　allowed　to　go　outside　for　some　fresh　air。　Thereˇs　no　longer　any　need　to　guard　us。　Peeta　and　I　walk　down　along　the　track；　hand　in　hand；　and　I　canˇt　find　anything　to　say　now　that　weˇre　alone。　He　stops　to　gather　a　bunch　of　wildflowers　for　me。　When　he　presents　them；　I　work　hard　to　look　pleased。　Because　he　canˇt　know　that　the　pink…and…white　flowers　are　the　tops　of　wild　onions　and　only　remind　me　of　the　hours　Iˇve　spent　gathering　them　with　Gale。
Gale。　The　idea　of　seeing　Gale　in　a　matter　of　hours　makes　my　stomach　churn。　But　ind。　I　only　know　that　I　feel　like　Iˇve　been　lying　to　someone　who　trusts　me。　Or　more　accurately；　to　two　people。　Iˇve　been　getting　away　with　it　up　to　this　point　because　of　the　Games。　But　there　will　be　no　Games　to　hide　behind　back　home。
¨Whatˇs　wrong？〃　Peeta　asks。
¨Nothing；〃　I　answer。　We　continue　walking；　past　the　end　of　the　train；　out　where　even　Iˇm　fairly　sure　there　are　no　cameras　hidden　in　the　scrubby　bushes　along　the　track。　Still　no　words　e。
Haymitch　startles　me　when　he　lays　a　hand　on　my　back。　Even　now；　in　the　middle　of　nowhere；　he　keeps　his　voice　down。　¨Great　job；　you　two。　Just　keep　it　up　in　the　district　until　the　cameras　are　gone。　We　should　be　okay。〃　I　watch　him　head　back　to　the　train；　avoiding　Peetaˇs　eyes。
¨Whatˇs　he　mean？〃　Peeta　asks　me。
¨Itˇs　the　Capitol。　They　didnˇt　like　our　stunt　with　the　berries；〃　I　blurt　out。
¨What？　What　are　you　talking　about？〃　he　says。
¨It　seemed　too　rebellious。　So；　Haymitch　has　been　coaching　me　through　the　last　few　days。　So　I　didnˇt　make　it　worse；〃　I　say。
¨Coaching　you？　But　not　me；〃　says　Peeta。
¨He　knew　you　were　smart　enough　to　get　it　right；〃　I　say。
¨I　didnˇt　know　there　was　anything　to　get　right；〃　says　Peeta。　¨So；　what　youˇre　saying　is；　these　last　few　days　and　then　I　guess　。　。　。　back　in　the　arena　。　。　。　that　was　just　some　strategy　you　two　worked　out。〃
¨No。　I　mean；　I　couldnˇt　even　talk　to　him　in　the　arena；　could　I？〃　I　stammer。
¨But　you　knew　what　he　wanted　you　to　do；　didnˇt　you？〃　says　Peeta。　I　bite　my　lip。　¨Katniss？〃　He　drops　my　hand　and　I　take　a　step；　as　if　to　catch　my　balance。
¨It　was　all　for　the　Games；〃　Peeta　says。　¨How　you　acted。〃
¨Not　all　of　it；〃　I　say；　tightly　holding　onto　my　flowers。　¨Then　how　much？　No；　forget　that。　I　guess　the　real　question　is　whatˇs　going　to　be　left　when　we　get　home？〃　he　says。
¨I　donˇt　know。　The　closer　we　get　to　District　Twelve；　the　more　confused　I　get；〃　I　say。　He　waits；　for　further　explanation；　but　noneˇs　forthing。
¨Well；　let　me　know　when　you　work　it　out；〃　he　says；　and　the　pain　in　his　voice　is　palpable。
I　know　my　ears　are　healed　because；　even　with　the　rumble　of　the　engine；　I　can　hear　every　step　he　takes　back　to　the　train。　By　the　time　Iˇve　climbed　aboard；　Peeta　has　disappeared　into　his　room　for　the　night。　I　donˇt　see　him　the　next　morning；　either。　In　fact；　the　next　time　he　turns　up；　weˇre　pulling　into　District　12。　He　gives　me　a　nod；　his　face　expressionless。
I　want　to　tell　him　that　heˇs　not　being　fair。　That　we　were　strangers。　That　I　did　what　it　took　to　stay　alive；　to　keep　us　both　alive　in　the　arena。　That　I　canˇt　explain　how　things　are　with　Gale　because　I　donˇt　know　myself。　That　itˇs　no　good　loving　me　because　Iˇm　never　going　to　get　married　anyway　and　heˇd　just　end　up　hating　me　later　instead　of　sooner。　That　if　I　do　have　feelings　for　him；　it　doesnˇt　matter　because　Iˇll　never　be　able　to　afford　the　kind　of　love　that　leads　to　a　family；　to　children。　And　how　can　he？　How　can　he　after　what　weˇve　just　been　through？
I　also　want　to　tell　him　how　much　I　already　miss　him。　But　that　wouldnˇt　be　fair　on　my　part。
So　we　just　stand　there　silently；　watching　our　grimy　little　station　rise　up　around　us。　Through　the　window；　I　can　see　the　platformˇs　thick　with　cameras。　Everyone　will　be　eagerly　watching　our　homeing。
Out　of　the　corner　of　my　eye；　I　see　Peeta　extend　his　hand。　I　look　at　him；　unsure。　¨One　more　time？　For　the　audience？〃　he　says。　His　voice　isnˇt　angry。　Itˇs　hollow；　which　is　worse。　Already　the　boy　with　the　bread　is　slipping　away　from　me。　I　take　his　hand；　holding　on　tightly；　preparing　for　the　cameras；　and　dreading　the　moment　when　I　will　finally　have　to　let　go。

END　OF　BOOK　ONE


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