简爱(英文版)-第83部分

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fluence　efficiently　in　life；　and　retain　absolutely　till　death。”
I　shuddered　as　he　spoke：　I　felt　his　influence　in　my　marrow—his　hold　on　my　limbs。
“Seek　one　elsewhere　than　in　me；　St。　John：　seek　one　fitted　to　you。”
“One　fitted　to　my　purpose；　you　mean—fitted　to　my　vocation。　Again　I　tell　you　it　is　not　the　insignificant　private　individual—the　mere　man；　with　the　man’s　selfish　senses—I　wish　to　mate：　it　is　the　missionary。”
“And　I　will　give　the　missionary　my　energies—it　is　all　he　wants—but　not　myself：　that　would　be　only　adding　the　husk　and　shell　to　the　kernel。　For　them　he　has　no　use：　I　retain　them。”
“You　cannot—you　ought　not。　Do　you　think　God　will　be　satisfied　with　half　an　oblation？　Will　He　accept　a　mutilated　sacrifice？　It　is　the　cause　of　God　I　advocate：　it　is　under　His　standard　I　enlist　you。　I　cannot　accept　on　His　behalf　a　divided　allegiance：　it　must　be　entire。”
“Oh！　I　will　give　my　heart　to　God；”　I　said。　“You　do　not　want　it。”
I　will　not　swear；　reader；　that　there　was　not　something　of　repressed　sarcasm　both　in　the　tone　in　which　I　uttered　this　sentence；　and　in　the　feeling　that　acpanied　it。　I　had　silently　feared　St。　John　till　now；　because　I　had　not　understood　him。　He　had　held　me　in　awe；　because　he　had　held　me　in　doubt。　How　much　of　him　was　saint；　how　much　mortal；　I　could　not　heretofore　tell：　but　revelations　were　being　made　in　this　conference：　the　analysis　of　his　nature　was　proceeding　before　my　eyes。　I　saw　his　fallibilities：　I　prehended　them。　I　understood　that；　sitting　there　where　I　did；　on　the　bank　of　heath；　and　with　that　handsome　form　before　me；　I　sat　at　the　feet　of　a　man；　caring　as　I。　The　veil　fell　from　his　hardness　and　despotism。　Having　felt　in　him　the　presence　of　these　qualities；　I　felt　his　imperfection　and　took　courage。　I　　I　might　argue—one　whom；　if　I　saw　good；　I　might　resist。
He　was　silent　after　I　had　uttered　the　last　sentence；　and　I　presently　risked　an　upward　glance　at　his　countenance。
His　eye；　bent　on　me；　expressed　at　once　stern　surprise　and　keen　inquiry。　“Is　she　sarcastic；　and　sarcastic　to　me！”　it　seemed　to　say。　“What　does　this　signify？”
“Do　not　let　us　forget　that　this　is　a　solemn　matter；”　he　said　ere　long；　“one　of　which　we　may　neither　think　nor　talk　lightly　without　sin。　I　trust；　Jane；　you　are　in　earnest　when　you　say　you　will　serve　your　heart　to　God：　it　is　all　I　want。　Once　wrench　your　heart　from　man；　and　fix　it　on　your　Maker；　the　advancement　of　that　Maker’s　spiritual　kingdom　on　earth　will　be　your　chief　delight　and　endeavour；　you　will　be　ready　to　do　at　once　whatever　furthers　that　end。　You　will　see　what　impetus　would　be　given　to　your　efforts　and　mine　by　our　physical　and　mental　union　in　marriage：　the　only　union　that　gives　a　character　of　permanent　conformity　to　the　destinies　and　designs　of　human　beings；　and；　passing　over　all　minor　caprices—all　trivial　difficulties　and　delicacies　of　feeling—all　scruple　about　the　degree；　kind；　strength　or　tenderness　of　mere　personal　inclination—　you　will　hasten　to　enter　into　that　union　at　once。”
“Shall　I？”　I　said　briefly；　and　I　looked　at　his　features；　beautiful　in　their　harmony；　but　strangely　formidable　in　their　still　severity；　at　his　brow；　manding　but　not　open；　at　his　eyes；　bright　and　deep　and　searching；　but　never　soft；　at　his　tall　imposing　figure；　and　fancied　myself　in　idea　HIS　WIFE。　Oh！　it　would　never　do！　As　his　curate；　his　rade；　all　would　be　right：　I　would　cross　oceans　with　him　in　that　capacity；　toil　under　Eastern　suns；　in　Asian　deserts　with　him　in　that　office；　admire　and　emulate　his　courage　and　devotion　and　vigour；　acmodate　quietly　to　his　masterhood；　smile　undisturbed　at　his　ineradicable　ambition；　discriminate　the　Christian　from　the　man：　profoundly　esteem　the　one；　and　freely　forgive　the　other。　I　should　suffer　often；　no　doubt；　attached　to　him　only　in　this　capacity：　my　body　would　be　under　rather　a　stringent　yoke；　but　my　heart　and　mind　would　be　free。　I　should　still　have　my　unblighted　self　to　turn　to：　my　natural　unenslaved　feelings　with　which　to　municate　in　moments　of　loneliness。　There　would　be　recesses　in　my　mind　which　would　be　only　mine；　to　which　he　never　came；　and　sentiments　growing　there　fresh　and　sheltered　which　his　austerity　could　never　blight；　nor　his　measured　warrior…march　trample　down：　but　as　his　wife—at　his　side　always；　and　always　restrained；　and　always　checked—forced　to　keep　the　fire　of　my　nature　continually　low；　to　pel　it　to　burn　inwardly　and　never　utter　a　cry；　though　the　imprisoned　flame　consumed　vital　after　vital—this　would　be　unendurable。
“St。　John！”　I　exclaimed；　when　I　had　got　so　far　in　my　meditation。
“Well？”　he　answered　icily。
“I　repeat　I　freely　consent　to　go　with　you　as　your　fellow…missionary；　but　not　as　your　wife；　I　cannot　marry　you　and　bee　part　of　you。”
“A　part　of　me　you　must　bee；”　he　answered　steadily；　“otherwise　the　whole　bargain　is　void。　How　can　I；　a　man　not　yet　thirty；　take　out　with　me　to　India　a　girl　of　nieen；　unless　she　be　married　to　me？　How　can　we　be　for　ever　together—sometimes　in　solitudes；　sometimes　amidst　savage　tribes—and　unwed？”
“Very　well；”　I　said　shortly；　“under　the　circumstances；　quite　as　well　as　if　I　were　either　your　real　sister；　or　a　man　and　a　clergyman　like　yourself。”
“It　is　known　that　you　are　not　my　sister；　I　cannot　introduce　you　as　such：　to　attempt　it　would　be　to　fasten　injurious　suspicions　on　us　both。　And　for　the　rest；　though　you　have　a　man’s　vigorous　brain；　you　have　a　woman’s　heart　and—it　would　not　do。”
“It　would　do；”　I　affirmed　with　some　disdain；　“perfectly　well。　I　have　a　woman’s　heart；　but　not　where　you　are　concerned；　for　you　I　have　only　a　rade’s　constancy；　a　fellow…soldier’s　frankness；　fidelity；　fraternity；　if　you　like；　a　neophyte’s　respect　and　submission　to　his　hierophant：　nothing　more—don’t　fear。”
“It　is　what　I　want；”　he　said；　speaking　to　himself；　“it　is　just　what　I　want。　And　there　are　obstacles　in　the　way：　they　must　be　hewn　down。　Jane；　you　would　not　repent　marrying　me—be　certain　of　that；　we　must　be　married。　I　repeat　it：　there　is　no　other　way；　and　undoubtedly　enough　of　love　would　follow　upon　marriage　to　render　the　union　right　even　in　your　eyes。”
“I　scorn　your　idea　of　love；”　I　could　not　help　saying；　as　I　rose　up　and　stood　before　him；　leaning　my　back　against　the　rock。　“I　scorn　the　counterfeit　sentiment　you　offer：　yes；　St。　John；　and　I　scorn　you　when　you　offer　it。”
He　looked　at　me　fixedly；　pressing　his　well…cut　lips　while　he　did　so。　Whether　he　was　incensed　or　surprised；　or　what；　it　was　not　easy　to　tell：　he　could　mand　his　countenance　thoroughly。
“I　scarcely　expected　to　hear　that　expression　from　you；”　he　said：　“I　think　I　have　done　and　uttered　nothing　to　deserve　scorn。”
I　was　touched　by　his　gentle　tone；　and　overawed　by　his　high；　calm　mien。
“Forgive　me　the　words；　St。　John；　but　it　is　your　own　fault　that　I　have　been　roused　to　speak　so　unguardedly。　You　have　introduced　a　topic　on　which　our　natures　are　at　variance—a　topic　we　should　never　discuss：　the　very　name　of　love　is　an　apple　of　discord　between　us。　If　the　reality　were　required；　what　should　we　do？　How　should　we　feel？　My　dear　cousin；　abandon　your　scheme　of　marriage—forget　it。”
“No；”　said　he；　“it　is　a　long…cherished　scheme；　and　the　only　one　which　can　secure　my　great　end：　but　I　shall　urge　you　no　further　at　present。　To…morrow；　I　leave　home　for　Cambridge：　I　have　many　friends　there　to　whom　I　should　wish　to　say　farewell。　I　shall　be　absent　a　fortnight—take　that　space　of　time　to　consider　my　offer：　and　do　not　forget　that　if　you　reject　it；　it　is　not　me　you　deny；　but　God。　Through　my　means；　He　opens　to　you　a　noble　career；　as　my　wife　only　can　you　enter　upon　it。　Refuse　to　be　my　wife；　and　you　limit　yourself　for　ever　to　a　track　of　selfish　ease　and　barren　obscurity。　Tremble　lest　in　that　case　you　should　be　numbered　with　those　who　have　denied　the　faith；　and　are　worse　than　infidels！”
He　had　done。　Turning　from　me；　he　once　more
“Looked　to　river；　looked　to　hill。”
But　this　time　his　feelings　were　all　pent　in　his　heart：　I　was　not　worthy　to　hear　them　uttered。　As　I　walked　by　his　side　homeward；　I　read　well　in　his　iron　silence　all　he　felt　towards　me：　the　disappointment　of　an　austere　and　despotic　nature；　which　has　met　resistance　where　it　expected　submission—the　disapprobation　of　a　cool；　inflexible　judgment；　which　has　detected　in　another　feelings　and　views　in　which　it　has　no　power　to　sympathise：　in　short；　as　a　man；　he　would　have　wished　to　coerce　me　into　obedience：　it　was　only　as　a　sincere　Christian　he　bore　so　patiently　with　my　perversity；　and　allowed　so　long　a　space　for　reflection　and　repentance。
That　night；　after　he　had　kissed　his　sisters；　he　thought　proper　to　forget　even　to　shake　hands　with　me；　but　left　the　room　in　silence。　I—who；　though　I　had　no　love；　had　much　friendship　for　him—was　hurt　by　the　marked　omission：　so　much　hurt　that　tears　started　to　my　eyes。
“I　see　you　and　St。　John　have　been　quarrelling；　Jane；”　said　Diana；　“during　your　walk　on　the　moor。　But　go　after　him；　he　is　now　lingering　in　the　passage　expecting　you—he　will　make　it　up。”
I　have　not　much　pride　under　such　circumstances：　I　would　always　rather　be　happy　than　dignified；　and　I　ran　after　him—he　stood　at　the　foot　of　the　stairs。
“Good…night；　St。　John；”　said　I。
“Good…night；　Jane；”　he　replied　calmly。
“Then　shake　hands；”　I　added。
What　a　cold；　loose　touch；　he　impressed　on　my　fingers！　He　was　deeply　displeased　by　what　had　occurred　that　day；　cordiality　would　not　warm；　nor　tears　move　him。　No　happy　reconciliation　was　to　be　had　with　him—no　cheering　smile　or　generous　word：　but　still　the　Christian　was　patient　and　placid；　and　when　I　asked　him　if　he　forgave　me；　he　answered　that　he　was　not　in　the　habit　of　cherishing　the　remembrance　of　vexation；　that　he　had　nothing　to　forgive；　not　having　been　offended。
And　with　that　answer　he　left　me。　I　would　much　rather　he　had　knocked　me　down。
Chapter　35
He　did　not　leave　for　Cambridge　the　next　day；　as　he　had　said　he　would。　He　deferred　his　departure　a　whole　week；　and　during　that　time　he　made　me　feel　what　severe　punishment　a　good　yet　stern；　a　conscientious　yet　implacable　man　can　inflict　on　one　who　has　offended　him。　Without　one　overt　act　of　hostility；　one　upbraiding　word；　he　contrived　to　impress　me　momently　with　the　conviction　that　I　was　put　beyond　the　pale　of　his　favour。
Not　that　St。　John　harboured　a　spirit　of　unchristian　vindictiveness—　not　that　he　would　have　injured　a　hair　of　my　head；　if　it　had　been　fully　in　his　power　to　do　so。　Both　by　nature　and　principle；　he　was　superior　to　the　mean　gratification　of　vengeance：　he　had　forgiven　me　for　saying　I　scorned　him　and　his　love；　but　he　had　not　forgotten　the　words；　and　as　long　as　he　and　I　lived　he　never　would　forget　them。　I　saw　by　his　look；　when　he　turned　to　me；　that　they　were　always　written　on　the　air　between　me　and　him；　whenever　I　spoke；　they　sounded　in　my　voice　to　his　ear；　and　their　echo　toned　every　answer　he　gave　me。
He　did　not　abstain　from　conversing　with　me：　he　even　called　me　as　usual　each　morning　to　join　him　at　his　desk；　and　I　fear　the　corrupt　man　within　him　had　a　pleasure　unimparted　to；　and　unshared　by；　the　pure　Christian；　in　evincing　with　what　skill　he　could；　while　acting　and　speaking　apparently　just　as　usual；　extract　from　every　deed　and　every　phrase　the　spirit　of　interest　and　approval　which　had　formerly　municated　a　certain　austere　charm　to　his　language　and　manner。　To　me；　he　was　in　reality　bee　no