the notebook-恋恋笔记本(英文版)-第17部分

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st。　They　wake　up　hallucinating　and　confused。　They　repeat　themselves　over　and　over。　Seldom　do　they　recognize　the　people　who　love　them。　It　is　a　trying　disease；　and　this　is　why　it　is　hard　for　their　children　and　mine　to　visit。

Allie；　of　course；　has　her　own　problems。　She　is　terribly　afraid　in　the　mornings　and　cries　inconsolably。　She　sees　tiny　people；　like　gnomes；　I　think；　watching　her；　and　she　screams　at　them　to　get　away。　She　bathes　willingly　but　will　not　eat　regularly。　She　is　thin　now；　much　too　thin　in　my　opinion；　and　on　good　days　I　do　my　best　to　fatten　her　up。

But　this　is　where　the　similarity　ends。　This　is　why　Allie　is　considered　a　miracle；　because　sometimes；　just　sometimes；　after　I　read　to　her；　her　condition　isn't　so　bad。　There　is　no　explanation　for　this。　〃It's　impossible；〃　the　doctors　say；　〃she　cannot　have　Alzheimer's。〃　But　she　does。　On　most　days　and　every　morning　there　can　be　no　doubt。

But　why；　then；　is　her　condition　different？　Why　does　she　sometimes　change　after　I　read？　I　tell　the　doctors　the　reason—I　know　it　in　my　heart；　but　I　am　not　believed。　Four　times　specialists　have　travelled　from　Chapel　Hill　to　find　the　answer。　Four　times　they　have　left　without　understanding。　I　tell　them；　〃You　can't　possibly　understand　it　if　you　use　only　your　science　training　and　your　books；〃　but　they　shake　their　heads　and　answer：　〃Alzheimer's　does　not　work　like　this。　With　her　condition；　it's　just　not　possible　to　have　a　conversation　or　improve　as　the　day　goes　on。　Ever。〃

But　she　does。　Not　every　day；　not　most　of　the　time；　and　definitely　less　than　she　used　to。　But　sometimes。　And　all　that　is　gone　on　these　days　is　her　memory；　as　if　she　has　amnesia。　Her　emotions　are　normal；　her　thoughts　are　normal。　And　these　are　the　days　that　I　know　I　am　doing　right。

DINNER　IS　WAITING　in　her　room　when　we　return。　It　has　been　arranged　for　us　to　eat　here；　as　it　always　is　on　days　like　these；　and　once　again　I　could　ask　for　no　more。　The　people　here　are　good　to　me　and　I　am　thankful。

The　lights　are　dimmed；　the　room　is　lit　by　two　candles　on　the　table　where　we　will　sit；　and　music　is　playing　softly　in　the　background。　The　cups　and　plates　are　plastic　and　the　carafe　is　filled　with　apple　juice；　but　rules　are　rules　and　she　doesn't　seem　to　care。

She　inhales　slightly　at　the　sight。　Her　eyes　are　wide。　〃Did　you　do　this？〃

I　nod　and　she　walks　into　the　room。

〃It　looks　beautiful。〃

I　offer　my　arm　in　escort　and　lead　her　to　the　window。　She　doesn't　release　it　when　we　get　there。　Her　touch　is　nice；　and　we　stand　close　together　on　this　crystal　springtime　evening。　The　window　is　open　slightly　and　I　feel　a　breeze　as　it　fans　my　cheek。　The　moon　has　risen　and　we　watch　for　a　long　time　as　the　evening　sky　unfolds。

〃I've　never　seen　anything　so　beautiful；　I'm　sure　of　it；〃　she　says。

〃I　haven't；　either；〃　I　say；　but　I　am　looking　at　her。　She　knows　what　I　mean　and　I　see　her　smile。

A　moment　later　she　whispers：　〃I　think　I　know　who　Allie　went　with　at　the　end　of　the　story。〃

〃Who？〃

〃She　went　with　Noah。〃

〃You're　sure？〃

〃Absolutely。〃

I　smile　and　nod。　〃Yes；　she　did；〃　I　say　softly；　and　she　smiles　back；　her　face　radiant。

She　sits　and　I　sit　opposite　her。　She　offers　her　hand　across　the　table　and　I　take　it　in　mine；　and　I　feel　her　thumb　begin　to　move　as　it　did　so　many　years　ago。　I　stare　at　her　for　a　long　time；　living　and　reliving　the　moments　of　my　life；　remembering　it　all　and　making　it　real。　I　feel　my　throat　begin　to　tighten　and　once　again　I　realize　how　much　I　love　her。

My　voice　is　shaky　when　I　finally　speak。

〃You're　so　beautiful；〃　I　say。　I　can　see　in　her　eyes　that　she　knows　how　I　feel　about　her　and　what　I　really　mean　by　my　words。

She　does　not　respond。　Instead　she　lowers　her　eyes　and　I　wonder　what　she's　thinking。　She　gives　me　no　clues　and　I　gently　squeeze　her　hand。　I　wait。　I　know　her　heart　and　I　know　I'm　almost　there。

And　then　a　miracle　that　proves　me　right。　As　Glenn　Miller　plays　softly　in　a　candlelit　room；　I　watch　as　she　gradually　gives　in　to　the　feelings　inside　her。　I　see　a　warm　smile　begin　to　form　on　her　lips；　the　kind　that　makes　it　all　worth　while；　and　I　watch　as　she　raises　her　hazy　eyes　to　mine。　She　pulls　my　hand　towards　her。　〃You're　wonderful。。。〃　she　says　softly；　and　at　that　moment　she　falls　in　love　with　me；　too；　this　I　know；　for　I　have　seen　the　signs　a　thousand　times。

She　says　nothing　else　right　away；　she　doesn't　have　to；　and　she　gives　me　a　look　from　another　lifetime　that　makes　me　whole　again。　I　smile　back；　with　as　much　passion　as　I　can　muster；　and　we　stare　at　each　other　with　the　feelings　inside　us　rolling　like　ocean　waves。　I　look　about　the　room；　then　back　at　Allie；　and　the　way　she's　looking　at　me　makes　me　warm。　And　suddenly　I　feel　young　again。　I'm　no　longer　cold　or　aching；　or　hunched　over　or　almost　blind　with　cataracts。　I'm　strong　and　proud　and　the　luckiest　man　alive；　and　I　keep　on　feeling　that　way　for　a　long　time。

By　the　time　the　candles　have　burned　down　a　third；　I　am　ready　to　break　the　silence。　I　say；　〃I　love　you　deeply　and　I　hope　you　know　that。〃

〃Of　course　I　do；〃　she　says。　〃I've　always　loved　you；　Noah。〃

Noah；　I　hear　again。　The　word　echoes　in　my　head。　Noah　。　。　。　Noah。　She　knows；　I　think　to　myself；　she　knows　who　I　am　。　。　。

She　knows。　。　。　。　Such　a　tiny　thing；　this　knowledge；　but　for　me　it　is　a　gift　from　God；　and　I　feel　our　lifetime　together；　holding　her；　loving　her；　and　being　with　her　through　the　best　years　of　my　life。

She　murmurs；　〃Noah　。　。　。　my　sweet　Noah　。。。”

And　I；　who　could　not　accept　the　doctors'　words；　have　triumphed　again；　at　least　for　a　moment。　I　give　up　the　pretence　of　mystery；　and　I　kiss　her　hand　and　bring　it　to　my　cheek　and　whisper　in　her　ear：　〃You　are　the　greatest　thing　that　has　ever　happened　to　me。〃

　　　　〃Oh　。　。　。　Noah；〃　she　says　with　tears　in　her　eyes；　〃I　love　you；　too。〃

IF　ONLY　IT　would　end　like　this；　I　would　be　a　happy　man。

But　it　won't。　Of　this　I'm　sure；　for　as　time　slips　by　I　begin　to　see　the　signs　of　concern　in　her　face。

〃What's　wrong？〃　I　ask；　and　her　answer　es　softly。

〃I'm　so　afraid。　I'm　afraid　of　forgetting　you　again。　It　isn't　fair　。　。　。　I　just　can't　bear　to　give　this　up。〃　Her　voice　breaks　as　she　finishes；　but　I　don't　know　what　to　say。　I　know　the　evening　is　ing　to　an　end　and　there　is　nothing　I　can　do　to　stop　the　inevitable。　In　this　I　am　a　failure。

I　finally　tell　her：　〃I'll　never　leave　you。　What　we　have　is　for　ever。〃

She　knows　this　is　all　I　can　do；　for　neither　of　us　wants　empty　promises。

The　crickets　serenade　us；　and　we　begin　to　pick　at　our　dinner。　Neither　one　of　us　is　hungry；　but　I　lead　by　example　and　she　follows　me。　She　takes　small　bites　and　chews　a　long　time；　but　I　am　glad　to　see　her　eat。　She　has　lost　too　much　weight　in　the　past　three　months。

After　dinner；　I　bee　afraid　for　I　know　the　bell　has　tolled　this　evening。　The　sun　has　long　since　set　and　the　thief　is　about　to　e；　and　there　is　nothing　I　can　do　to　stop　it。　So　I　stare　at　her　and　wait　and　live　a　lifetime　in　these　last　remaining　moments。

　　　　The　clock　ticks。

Nothing。

　I　take　her　in　my　arms　and　we　hold　each　other。

Nothing。

I　feel　her　tremble　and　I　whisper　in　her　ear。

Nothing。

I　tell　her　for　the　last　time　this　evening　that　I　love　her。

And　the　thief　es。

It　always　amazes　me　how　quickly　it　happens。　Even　now；　after　all　this　time。　For　as　she　holds　me；　she　begins　to　blink　rapidly　and　shake　her　head。　Then；　turning　towards　the　corner　of　the　room；　she　stares　for　a　long　time；　concern　etched　on　her　face。

No！　my　mind　screams。　Not　yet！　Not　now　。　。　。　not　when　we're　so　close！　Not　tonight！　Any　night　but　tonight。　。　。　。　Please！　I　can't　take　it　again！　It　isn't　fair　。　。　It　isn't　fair　。　。　。

But　once　again；　it　is　to　no　avail。

〃Those　people；〃　she　finally　says；　pointing；　〃are　staring　at　me。　Please　make　them　stop。〃

The　gnomes。　A　pit　rises　in　my　stomach；　hard　and　full。　My　mouth　goes　dry　and　I　feel　my　heart　pounding。　It　is　over；　I　know。　This；　the　evening　confusion　that　affects　my　wife；　is　the　hardest　part　of　all。　For　when　it　es；　she　is　gone；　and　sometimes　I　wonder　whether　she　and　I　will　ever　love　again。

〃There's　no　one　there；　Allie；〃　I　say；　trying　to　fend　off　the　inevitable。

She　doesn't　believe　me。　〃They're　staring　at　me。　You　can't　see　them？〃

〃No；〃　I　say；　and　she　thinks　for　a　moment。

〃Well；　they're　right　there；〃　she　says；　〃and　they're　staring　at　me。〃

With　that；　she　begins　to　talk　to　herself；　and　moments　later；　when　I　try　to　fort　her；　she　flinches　with　wide　eyes。

〃Who　are　you？〃　she　cries　in　panic；　her　face　being　whiter。　〃What　are　you　doing　here？〃　She　backs　away　from　me；　her　hands　in　a　defensive　position；　and　then　she　says　the　most　heartbreaking　words　of　all。　〃Go　away！　Stay　away　from　me！〃　She　is　pushing　the　gnomes　away　from　her；　terrified；　oblivious　of　my　presence。

I　stand　and　cross　the　room　to　her　bed。　I　am　weak　now；　my　legs　ache；　and　there　is　a　strange　pain　in　my　side。　It　is　a　struggle　to　press　the　button　to　call　the　nurses；　for　my　fingers　are　throbbing　and　seem　frozen　together；　but　I　finally　succeed。　They　will　be　here　soon　now；　I　know；　and　I　wait　for　them。

I　sit　by　the　bed　with　an　aching　back　and　start　to　cry　as　I　pick　up　the　notebook。　I　am　tired　now；　so　I　sit；　alone　and　apart　from　my　wife。　And　when　the　nurses　e　in　they　see　two　people　they　must　fort。　A　woman　shaking　in　fear　and　the　old　man　who　loves　her　more　deeply　than　life　itself　crying　softly　in　the　corner；　his　face　in　his　hands。

BY　THE　following　week；　my　life　had　pretty　much　returned　to　normal。　Or　at　least　as　normal　as　my　life　could　be。　Reading　to　Allie；　who　was　unable　to　recognize　me　at　any　time；　reading　to　others；　wandering　the　halls。　Lying　awake　at　night　and　sitting　by　my　heater　in　the　morning。　I　found　a　strange　fort　in　the　predictability　of　my　life。

On　a　cool；　foggy　morning　eight　days　after　she　and　I　had　spent　our　day　together；　I　woke　early；　as　is　my　custom；　and　pottered　around　my　desk；　alternately　looking　at　photographs　and　reading　letters　written　many　years　before。　At　least　I　tried　to。　I　couldn't　concentrate　too　well　because　I　had　a　headache；　so　I　put　them　aside　and　went　to　sit　in　my　chair　by　the　window　to　watch　the　sun　e　up。　Allie　would　be　awake　in　a　couple　of　hours；　I　knew；　and　I　wanted　to　be　refreshed；　for　reading　all　day　would　only　make　my　head　hurt　more。

I　closed　my　eyes　for　a　few　minutes　then；　opening　them；　I　watched　my　old　friend；　the　creek；　roll　by　my　window。　Unlike　Allie　I　had　been　given　a　room　where　I　could　see　it；　and　it　has　never　failed　to　inspire　me。　It　is　a　contradiction　this　creek—a　hundred　thousand　years　old　but　renewed　with　each　rainfall。　It　is　life；　I　think；　to　watch　the　water。　A　man　can　learn　so　many　things。

It　happened　as　I　sat　in　the　chair；　just　as　the　sun　peeped　over　the　horizon。　My　hand；　I　noticed；　started　to　tingle；　something　it　had　never　done　before。　I　started　to　lift　it；　but　I　was　forced　to　stop　when　my　head　pounded　again；　this　time　hard；　almost　as　if　I　had　been　hit　in　the　head　with　a　hammer。　I　closed　my　eyes　tightly。　My　hand　stopped　tingling　and　began　to　go　numb；　as　if　my　nerves　had　been　severed　somewhere　on　my　lower　arm。　A　shooting　pain　rocked　my　head　and　seemed　to　flow　down　my　neck　and　into　every　cell　of　my　body；　like　a　tidal　wave；　crushing　and　wasting　everything　in　its　path。

I　lost　my　sight　and　I　heard　what　sounded　like　a　train　roaring　inches　from　my　head；　and　I　knew　that　I　was　having　a　stroke。　The　pain　coursed　through